Dec 072008
Authors: J. David McSwane

With the ceremonious, commercialized celebration of the contrived birth of the lead singer of Pearl Jam — Christmas — just around the corner, it’s important we don’t let U.S. economic woes keep us from strengthening the Wal-Mart machines of the world.

It’s easy to become overwhelmed with the market’s decline and the sudden realization that the U.S. might not be as smart or powerful as we all thought, but I implore you, dear readers, don’t let empirical evidence and the looming foreclosure of your family’s home keep you from giving back to the economy this holiday season.

I promise, fellow products of the middle class, all the alarmists’ rants about how we’re doomed is nothing more than masturbatory fiscal evangelism.

So we lost more than 550,000 jobs just last month alone — big deal. So your father or mother no longer has that career that, just months ago, seemed quite permanent — boo hoo. So you’ve been making a mad dash through the freshman dining halls for food (and for a glimpse of younger delicates) — that’s fun stuff.

But stop the whining. We need to arouse our once throbbing economy.

It’s important that we spend everything we have right now. All hands on deck (pun intended). Seriously, stop reading and go buy stuff! As the dollar falls, you’re kind of spending anyway (I think economists call this involuntary discharge). This way, you’ll at least have stuff, and you’re giving the economy a much-needed recession tug. What’s more American than that?

Now, after you’ve spent all your money, leave the bloodletting of the inflated dollar and the ejaculation of your tax dollars into economic stimuli up to those who have been screwing it up for years. Besides, you now have to go sell all that stuff for less just so you can eat . or drink.

But don’t worry, to quote Franklin the Turtle, the fundamentals of the economy are strong — it’s just the middle and top parts that need a little boost.

As our country’s limping economy continues to shrivel, I can’t help but think it is perhaps a poor choice to charge the oldest, most impotent dudes we can find with stimulating the economy. Paulson, you dirty dog.

It’s quite stupid — like paying an engineering major to teach sexual education, or voting for a moron to establish a national education reform plan like, say, the unfunded mandate, No Child Left Behind. Well, I for one won’t have it.

I say instead of pointing fingers, picking wedgies and fighting for nothing-more-than-symbolic $1 salary promises from auto-company CEOs, we figure out how to rub this one out.

That’s why I propose we hire Smilin’ Bob the Enzyte spokesman to diversify the nation’s portfolio and help bring in a Christmas sleigh full of confidence, with gifts that keep on giving. Be-yoing! All the other countries will be jealous.

We’ll harden the backbone of the nation’s economy before you can say, “Yes, that is a banana in my pocket.”

For those of you skeptics out there who think Smilin’ Bob or another sort of economic Viagra isn’t our nation’s true and best hope for financial security, there’s always President-elect Barack Obama, in whom about 70 percent of U.S. citizens have confidence with respect to the economy.

Well, you’re forgetting one thing: He’s still the Antichrist. Besides, his plan — which includes preposterous ideas like creating new jobs through billions of dollars of government investment in fields like green energy — doesn’t yet have a concrete price tag.

Any estimates that have come out of the first-ever “Office of the President-Elect” are “premature,” Obama admits. That’s just gross.

If as you’re waiting in line to finance that gold-trimmed Barack Obama commemorative election dinner plate for your crazy liberal friend, you feel like you may have been screwed somehow, you have.

We’ve been screwing ourselves for years.

J. David McSwane is a senior journalism and technical communication major. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Holiday donations and attempts to save his soul can be sent to

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