Well, America, we recently elected a new president for our beloved country. The months and months of campaigning, primaries, polls and attack ads have drawn to an abrupt halt.
I watched with bated breath as we elected Barack Obama to the American presidency, and when the word finally came through that he won, I could only think one thing: “Well, thank God that’s over.”
After all, there are few things quite as annoying as turning on the television to forget about the problems in the world and immediately being bombarded by attack ad after attack ad.
Helpless against the barrage of negativity in the country, the fact that it’s finally over leaves me with the feeling of sweet, sweet relief.
No longer will I miss important news simply because everyone can’t stop talking about presidential, gubernatorial, or any other type of political news.
I simply cannot stand not knowing what Bono is doing to save the world, and during election season, news about Bono is simply impossible to find.
Actually, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure everyone I know was annoyed by attack ads and the constant stream of political propaganda that filled their lives.
All of my friends complained about it constantly.
Come to think of it, I think that the negative advertisements and terrible political divisions showed by the news brought my friends and me closer together than we had ever been before.
Holy god. Maybe, just maybe, politicians are smarter than we thought.
Maybe the political scheming and negativity was all just part of the plan to unite America against a common enemy: politicians.
Did I just blow your mind? Think about it. Everyone hates negative ads and endless campaigning, and surely the politicians must know that.
And yet every election, it all gets worse. Negative ads get more negative, campaigning becomes more ruthless, debates grow more and more difficult to watch.
What are the odds that politicians are sly enough to be able to put on the hoax of a lifetime?
How likely is it that the act of politicians ripping on each other’s social lives, opinions, and moral stances is purposefully emboldened in an effort to bring us, as a people, closer together?
Maybe Marilyn Musgrave was actually the most brilliant political mind out there, simply because we all united against her because of her awful negative ads.
She was even chosen to stay in office for some ungodly number of years, regardless of how much we hated her advertisements, which, when you really think about it, is quite the feat.
The United States of America: united against politicians.
Well, I may not be right but, just in case, I say: Bring on the attack ads. Let’s start election season earlier than ever before! Politicians, ready your directors of advertising.
Personally, I hope that the negative ads are worse than they’ve ever been before.
I say that politicians should open up their attacks to include verbal abuse of their opponent’s children, grandmothers and pets.
Nothing is off limits this time around.
Politicians: For the good of America, begin your campaigns as soon as possible.
I will be disappointed if I don’t see any attack ads against your opponents tonight.
It doesn’t matter that you don’t technically have opponents yet, just start launching advertising campaigns against political parties, neighbors, or family doctors.
Go forth, politicians, and unite the world under your attack ads, for the good of everyone.
Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.