Nov 162008
Authors: J. David McSwane

Gay people are a strange bunch. For some reason, they just won’t shut the hell up about this whole equal rights business.

It’s like they think our nation has a giant bag of equality stowed somewhere near that really old — oh, what was it called? — Constitution. But the reality is, we’re experiencing some sort of equality recession right now.

No worries, however, as our nation’s brilliant leaders have drafted a plan to bail out the equality-bankrupt religious organizations with Chinese equality bonds. Their damn hate unions have forced us to outsource empathy, but the fundamentals of humanity are strong.

In the mean time, people in California — the gay stronghold — are protesting against a new ban on gay marriage. Just one of many events across the country Saturday, a couple hundred Coloradans gathered in opposition to our state’s similar gay marriage ban.

It’s important to note that we have a long tradition of xenophobic exclusion of minority groups in this country, and as long as we still have a month to dedicate to our arbitrarily oppressed citizens, we tend to come around if only on the surface (Gay May?). But I think the nation as a whole doesn’t get it this time.

What are the gay people whining about anyway?

We gave them that one dude from “Will and Grace.” We can’t be totally sure, but Anderson Cooper could be the gay Walter Cronkite.

Gay people have that whole not-really-marriage civil unions dealy, which is, like, totally the same thing. Civil union: If it were some sort of spread, I would call it “I Can’t Believe it’s not Marriage!” But “marmalade” has a nice ring to it because it’s — you guessed it — kind of gay.

The word “fag” is now only used casually by those who are fairly certain their community secretly hates gay people anyway (by the way, did you know Fort Collins is routinely ranked as one of the best places in the country to live? I wonder whom they’re asking).

Oh, and in the Army, we don’t ask, so they don’t have to tell.

From an historical context, they’re not that discriminated against. They’re just like the Bette Midler to the music industry or the Sarah Palin to a national election. It wasn’t at all what we expected, so people would rather just forget about it and move on.

It’s a subtle sense of unwarranted disdain and fear, but I think we can all agree that Bette Midler is far more threatening to conservative values (or any semblance of musical taste) than same-sex couples.

Still, gay people want to be equally included in the centuries-old tradition of marriage, at least as it pertains to legal rights and recognition. To this I say, have at it, but are you really sure, gay people? Marriage is scary, regardless of sexual orientation. And in the case of gay men, the prospect has implications for man freedom — mandom for short — that have yet to be investigated.

Who’s going to steal whose soul? What if women run out of souls to steal? It could create unstoppable entropy in the manverse. Chaos, I tell you! It could result in some doomsdayish, cataclysmic mandom event.

Maybe I’m justifying a group’s exclusion based on some irrational fear (message). Either way, mandom and marriage are not to be taken lightly (petty joke).

Frankly, if my right to love and spend the rest of my life with that one special person and to publicly and profoundly announce that to the world were some sort of real-life Monopoly chance card, I would gladly trade gay people for ghetto Baltic Avenue. Unfortunately, my right to do so is a condition of my love for the opposite sex, per my government’s ignorance of it’s own creed, so no cheap real estate for me.

I suppose gay people are just going to keep asking for their silly rights and equality. For now, sadly, it seems voters aren’t paying enough attention. But maybe one day we as a people will make the right choice:

The only group of people that should be so blatantly discriminated against and systematically oppressed is CSU’s creepy nightstalker engineering majors.

J. David McSwane is a senior journalism and technical communication major who supports gay marriage rights. His column appears Monday in the Collegian. Attempts to save his soul can be sent to

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