Sep 302008
Authors: Ryan Nowell

Last week, a filling I had had done seven years ago became inflamed and I had to schedule an emergency root canal. To get me through the week between my initial visit and the actual procedure, my dentist prescribed some antibiotics and a tube of Vicodin.

But this is mere exposition, friends. We’re not here to discuss my inflamed molar. The point is that ever since I’ve been on pain medication, I totally understand Sarah Palin’s appeal. Where previously my unimpaired rational faculties found her complete lack of experience, substance and any shade of character beyond that particular genus of subarctic hillbilly, as entirely unsuitable for the office she already holds (much less the one she’s running for), my chemically-altered perception now helps me see past the plain facts and really appreciate what this candidate has to offer: a down-home slice of good, old-fashioned willful ignorance.

Now before, that really didn’t strike me as a good thing. Coming from a backwoods community sheltered from the kinds of diversity you would think a world leader would need in order to have some sort of relevant perspective sounded, in fact, quite bad. I was in a very judgmental place then. But, as her most ardent supporters have been saying all along, this cloistered upbringing and incredibly narrow worldview is not a weakness, but rather a strength. It’s a sign of purity, you see.

Viewing the world as a vast, complicated moral grey area that must be judiciously navigated leads to all sorts of considerations and responsibilities that, frankly, are no fun to keep track of. Folksy, small town values, on the other hand, keep things clean and simple. After all, who ever hears of injustice occurring in small towns?

By keeping her perspective dangerously oversimplified, Palin can keep her moral compass unswayed by the evils of modern metropolitan intellectualism. Armed with the vital life lessons gleaned from monster truck rallies and ribbon-cutting ceremonies, Palin is on the bleeding-edge of morally invincible politicians, as unblemished as an Alaskan wildlife refuge.

Before the pills, I was convinced that the biggest threat to national security was for voters to put another idiot in the White House who can barely speak the English language.

But now it occurs to me — witches! Covens are popping up all over the country, spreading social ills like poverty, foreclosure, and rap music as they go.

Wouldn’t America be safer in the hands of a woman who attributed winning the governorship to the spiritual blessings of Thomas Muthee, a Christian pastor known for running elderly, single women out of rural villages in his native Kenya?

What better way to bring back our small town values than to embody that tenacious Salem fightin’ spirit! Democrats want to change the argument into a bunch of finger-pointing over “torture” and “casualties” and “encroaching financial collapse,” but this is only because they’ve always been weak on the metaphysical issues important to the average American. A vote for the Democrats means a vote for a country overrun by hellspawn and caribou, and that, kind readers, I will not abide.

I’m rather ashamed that it took a full-blown narcotic stupor for me to realize the underhandedness of the liberal agenda, to point out the catastrophic failures of the conservatives in order to illustrate to voters the necessity of a progressive agenda. But readers, this is not the time for accusations and bad vibes. This is a time when America should be feeling good about itself. We should be celebrating apple pie, fireworks, quaint values, and how uncultured and undereducated our civic leaders are.

America’s standing abroad has never soared so high. Our economy has never been so stout, our citizens never so well off and our rights never this inalienable. We should be popping open champagne, or I suppose fermented Mountain Dew is more suited to the occasion, because it’s time to wallow in this great sty of achievement we’ve helped build over the last eight years.

Ryan Nowell is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to

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