My fellow Rams, I come to you today in a time of desperation requiring immediate action from all of us.
As most of our state witnessed last weekend, we experienced a major climate shift between Saturday and Sunday. In mere hours, temperatures across the front range plummeted by as much as 40 degrees. It is time that we confront our irresponsible way of life and commit to protecting our planet from global cooling.
Recently, four major global temperature tracking groups, including NASA’s Goddard Institute for Space Studies, reported large drops in global temperatures over the past year. From January 2007 to January 2008, GISS found that global temperatures dropped by 0.750 degrees Celsius.
If we don’t act now, this trend will continue and a new ice age will destroy us in the next hundred years. Crops will die, famine will grip the world and trade will come to a grinding halt as sea ports will freeze. The New York Times predicted this on Dec. 29, 1974 in an article that said inevitable global cooling would result in “mass deaths by starvation and probably in anarchy and violence.”
China is experiencing its coldest winter in 100 years. Two months ago, Baghdad saw its first snowfall in recorded history. And no, Hillary was not in town at the time.
As of February, Colorado snowpack levels were at 134 percent of average, and we still have most of March ahead of us, which is historically one of the wettest months for our state.
We must act now, so that our grandchildren may continue to enjoy this planet’s beauty.
In order to successfully fend off the impending global cooling, I have come up with four easy steps that we should take as a global community.
Step one is to melt the arctic ice caps with black soot and divert the arctic rivers. As I have mentioned in previous columns, this is what scientists recommended in April 1974 as published in Newsweek in response to their global cooling scare.
Step two is to change our energy consumption habits.
For far too long, the evil auto corporations have sold us these hybrids that barely heat the atmosphere at all. I propose Congress should impose regulations on automakers to limit fuel economy to 10 miles per gallon or less. This way, we can collectively warm our atmosphere through the combustion of fossil fuels.
The free market cannot be trusted. We, the knowledgeable elite, must tell the people what is good for them.
The third step involves creating a government-sponsored petition to God.
As the sole creator of the universe, he controls the sun, which is the most influential component of global temperatures. This petition, signed by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, will ask God to turn up the sun, because we mere humans have somehow affected the functions of our entire solar system as a result of all the carbon on our feet.
The fourth and final step to successfully stop global cooling will be to create a consensus among the masses that it does indeed exist.
We must disregard scientific evidence that contradicts our theories. Detractors will be labeled as uneducated, irresponsible and heartless. Just like in V for Vendetta, our motto will be “Strength through unity, unity through faith!”
With your help, we can save our planet from global cooling. We have the power. We must act responsibly, and we must act now.
Nick Hemenway is a senior mechanical engineering major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.