In my all-too-short time here at Colorado State, I have acquired valuable knowledge that almost makes paying tuition and going to class worth it.
Some of this important information has been handed down to me by various knowledgeable sources; some has been acquired by experience. All of it, however, is focused on a single goal: helping you, the college male, hook up with the college female.
Sorry ladies; this column is for the fellas. But feel free to peruse it yourself; you may just learn a thing or two.
The first step here is to gain the necessary background knowledge. The easiest way to do this is to sit close, but not too close, to her in class. Listen in on her conversation, find out what you can. What you’re looking for here is a name.
If you can get a last name through eavesdropping, you’re set. If not, you’re going to have to put in a little effort. Most people carry some form of identification on them as they go about their day. Your job: find it.
The key word here is distraction. Find some way to distract her, or the entire class if necessary, long enough for you to find a driver’s license or student ID. Previous successful distractions have included releasing a large snake in the class, and convincing your history professor to bring an antique musket to class.
Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Ok, got a last name? Great! You can enter that information into the CSU student directory, and if you were listening to her conversation earlier, easily get a full name, with which you can find her on Facebook.
Don’t worry, she won’t wonder how you got her name without actually talking to her.
Now that you’ve added her as a friend (and if you’re lucky, she accepted), do the background check. Relationship status? Looking for? Interested in? Religious views?
If she sounds like a keeper, start up a conversation. Try to make connections to the class you have together. For example, “Gee, that [professor’s name here] sure seems like a tool! lol :-)” With a line like that, you can’t fail. If you want to really seal the deal, poke her too. Girls love that.
If she responds to your message, you’re in. Next step: getting the first date. Here’s a little trick-of-the-trade I like to call the sneaky date. Invite the lucky lady to a movie with a group of your friends. Which group, you ask? Doesn’t matter, they won’t be there.
When she arrives, let her know that, sadly, your friends all couldn’t make it/had prior engagements/got food poisoning/died, but you went ahead and bought two tickets anyway. She’ll be too nice to refuse the offer when you already have the tickets. Score!
If you arrive early, use the time before the previews start to show off your quick wit and amazing conversationalist skills. Some topics include: the size of your comic book collection, how many beers you can chug, your recent girlfriends or your car. Girls love it when you talk about yourself, because it takes the pressure of conversation off of their shoulders.
Also, if you want to buy her a soda, go ahead and do that, but make sure you ask her if she wants a diet soda. All girls love it when you act concerned about their weight.
Congratulations, young man, you’ve successfully completed your first date with the current girl of your dreams.
Go ahead and tell all your friends that it was a date; she’s probably telling her friends the same thing.
Brian Lancaster is a junior English major. His column appears occasionally in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.