With much of the Collegian’s old guard moving on to greener pastures, readers next fall may be a little uncertain about the new staff coming onboard. Don’t worry. We don’t hear, feel or empathize with your pain, but we can sense it in a mystical, E.T. sort of way, and I’m here to reassure you that you’re in good hands.
We know Collegian readers rely on the opinions page to deliver the liberal carping, insane right-wing diatribes and arm-chair psychology lessons that provoke thought, stir debate and keep everyone just a little bit pissed off all day long. The new staff is eager to try and match this tradition of excellence, as well as bring a few new ideas to the table. Here’s just a partial list of what you have to look forward to next semester:
Rad fonts: Surveys show that middle-class persons aged 18-24 (you) no longer identify with Times New Roman. It’s become old hat, the typeface of the establishment, and we here at the Collegian will stand for this mindless conformity no longer. The people want Ariel, Courier, Book Antiqua, and by God, who are we to deny them these sacred freedoms? We believe every American has the right to enjoy stark block lettering, and we are committed to delivering it, however and whenever we can.
More undeserved libel: Have you grown tired of turning to the opinions page, only to find yet another column blasting Dick Cheney? Should there really be so many articles chastising him, just because he does so many heinously evil things? We, the incoming staff, believe that variety is the spice of life, and by criticizing people far less deserving of public scrutiny, we can better “spread the love,” and keep our opinion page fresh and engaging. Example: Mother Theresa. A great track record, but what has she done for anyone lately? Nothing. Sure, she’s dead, but is that really an excuse? Those orphan waifs aren’t going to feed themselves, unless of course they take to the corpse, in which case her spirit of charity lives on. See how just a pinch of variety can spur lively discussion?
Human interest pieces: Taking a cue from local newscasters, we plan to bring you more columns that will appeal to your everyday lifestyle. Many people feel detached from the lofty current events and impersonal global politics that take up most headlines. They want to see stories about people, news that speaks to them and applies to their lives. So, instead of keeping tabs on the lurching corporate war machine that will surely one day gnash us all to pieces and sup upon our entrail nectars, we get to see puppies! Just the other day, 9 News aired a ten-minute segment on how best to retrieve a toy from a cereal box. While we can’t promise that degree of hard-hitting professional journalism, we vow to do our very best.
Decoder rings: In a recent study conducted by leading Chinese sweatshop workers, it was concluded that Americans love cheap crap. In light of this, we will be offering special Collegian Opinion Page Super Action Decoder Rings! Just clip out the enclosed form, fill in your name and address, mail it with $5 (USD) enclosed, and allow six to eight weeks delivery. Your five dollars will cover the cost of the ring, shipping and handling, and a membership to the Collegian Opinion Page Super Action Club, whom every month will be invited to use their rings to crack the super secret Encoded Opinion! Here’s a sneak preview, for those of you eager to get cracking over the summer: K8rl R6ve d1nes on the bl66d of the y6ung. Good luck!
As you can see, we’re excited about next semester, and after hearing some of the great things in store, we hope you are, too. Change is never easy, but with a little hard work and determination, we hope to make your experience flipping back to the sudoku puzzle as enriching as possible.
Ryan Nowell is a junior English major. His column appears every Monday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.