Apr 152007
Authors: Kevin Dudley

Last week, I was sent a personal e-mail by a member of the Vineyard, a popular church in Fort Collins. After categorizing my “letter” in the newspaper as a “childish rant”, the e-mail goes on to ask the question, “Mr. Dudley, why in the world would you like to treat your wife or girlfriend as a whore?”

He then invites me to join his little club so that I may be “taught the ways of love” by God and his son, my personal favorite fictional superhero of all time, JC.

I was also told to be careful what I write for public consumption. So on that note, let’s see what we can get away with, shall we?

Rather than address the obvious satirical base for almost everything I have written, I would like to discuss a good point that Mr. Korn and his wife bring up. Why in the world would I want to treat my wife as a common street whore?

The real question is, how can I treat her like a street whore and resist the urge to go into full hooker mode and pay her for her services?

In so many words Michael Korn, it’s called a paraphilia, or, as it’s more commonly known to the college community: A fetish.

I’m just assuming they don’t teach this at the Vineyard.

A paraphilia or fetish is a type of fixation with unusual sexual practices. That said, I’d like to know just what characterizes an “unusual sexual practice” and where the Vineyard, among others, are drawing the proverbial line that separates the “normal” people from the so-called “freaks.”

You see, Michael, as DeviantDesires.com states, “the human sexual imagination is a vast landscape, a sprawl of interconnected suburbs and neighborhoods, a web of ideas.” Something that I’m sure your young group of students (some of whom are my friends, mind you) and your wife would know little to nothing about. You know, being celibate until wed and all.

And as you’re soon to find out, Michael, I feel it is my duty to spread the word: It’s OK to have fetishes no matter how deviant they are as long as no one gets hurt and nothing illegal is done.

While some are tame – foot fetishes for example, where one has an unhealthy obsession with making coitus all over someone’s feet – others are obscure and just plain disgusting, such as oculolinctus, which are those aroused by licking his or her partner’s eyeballs.

Others are a little more painful sounding, such as my personal favorite, fisting. The individual, Michael, is aroused by either being the receiver or giver of a hand, fist, or forearm into the rectum or vagina, as defined by eros-guide.com of course.

Are you with me, Michael?

So I don’t know where any of you like to draw the line, but be assured that someone out there has drawn it way past yours. Like me.

I can’t get off without first seeing a donkey make love to six midgets tied to a vat of Thousand Island dressing. I think that makes me a Donkious Midgitious Dressimus phallic, or something.

But that’s just me.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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