Apr 012007
Authors: Kevin Dudley

Can I just be the first to say, NO! That’s a bad Dr. Larry Penley! You don’t push tuition hikes through the system with out consulting the one’s it affects first! No treats for you!

This past weekend, I went on a trip, an epic journey through the eye-opening world of journalism, if you will. I accompanied several of the Collegian’s best and brightest young stars on their trip to an annual conference for the Society of Professional Journalists held in Salt Lake City, where I came to an astonishing realization, I am not a journalist, I have never been a journalist and any and all attempts at journalism by yours truly are nothing more than an attack on these folk’s beliefs.

I do, however, capture the majority of the reader base for this fine news publication and with that, will continue conducting business as I see fit, and I see fit to continue my debauchery of this great profession.

What I’m going to do today is use an example to make my point. Now this example contains a man named Larry P. (I assure you this is just a coincidence.) The Larry P. in my story would never betray Colorado State University and all of its students in any manner what so ever.

So we’ve gone over sex, masturbation, blue balls, and what ever else I’ve managed to sneak past the editors of the newsroom. What I haven’t touched on is the problem of loosing that spark and how society pushes us to believe that sexual dysfunction is always the man’s problem.

Let me paint a picture for you that depicts a much different scenario (remember, this is just an example): Imagine a youthful, ambitious Larry P. with a go get ’em attitude. One day he sees a fine looking woman by the name of, we’ll just call her Mrs. Larry.

They meet, they date, they even have premarital sex making both of them sinners. Things go well, very well in fact, and soon, Larry is in a powerful position at a public institution and now married to Mrs. Larry (remember, just a coincidence).

Let’s fast forward to the present day. Larry comes home after a long day of work; he’s tired and stressed out. Mrs. Larry, who has been out doing very important things, (we’ll just say saving disabled kittens from discrimination) is tired. She is stressed out and when she attempts to get intimate with her husband, he is unable to perform the way he used to and now suffers from impotence resulting in neither of them enjoying it.

Dose this sound like it’s the male’s fault or even something he should seek medication for? I would have to say not.

Erectile dysfunction is a common issue in today’s America. What Larry P. would most likely do, along with most American men, is blame himself and go to the doctor to get male enhancement medication.

What Larry may not know, is that if he takes medication for his (sexual not mental) impotence, he may never again be able to get an erection on his own. As Howstuffworks.com says, “there is some concern that some men who don’t really need [Viagra] for physical reasons, may end up with a dependency on the drug.”

Reuters Health reported in a study done that, “In virtually every case of impotence, there are emotional issues that can seriously affect the man’s self-esteem and relationships, and may even cause or perpetuate erectile dysfunction.”

So if we go back to Larry P. in the example, who we care dearly for, we can look at his situation and re-diagnose his impotence (sexual not mental). I chose to look at this and see this as, they as a couple are impotent and what Larry and his aging, tired looking wife need to do is go down to the porn store, buy some leather, a whip, and a Viking hat and bring a little excitement into their sex lives.

That’s right! As far as I can tell, the only solution to a stagnant sexual relationship is hardcore sexual deviancy. If at any point you start to feel like your sexual attraction towards your partner is waning, there’s a few simple steps to getting that zing back into your relationship. 1) Dirty talk 2) Porn 3) Costumes 4) Role Play.

There, I gave up the secret to lasting sexual chemistry; pretend your partner is a hooker, and treat her like one. Until that gets boring, then you should just go to a real hooker. It will do wonders for your relationship.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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