Mar 282007

A group of sixth graders from a Longmont middle school is trying to destroy the world by actually debating the scientific claims of global warming instead of accepting man-made global warming as truth.

I thought sixth graders were only learning about sex?

But sixth graders at Trail Ridge Middle School held a global warming “trial” to determine if global warming is caused by humans or natural causes ( They had a jury, a prosecution (in favor of man-made global warming) and a defense.

The worst part about this whole thing: The jury voted 7-4 in favor of the defense – agreeing with those immoral wretches that global warming is only cyclical and not caused by man!

Not only are these pubescent louts trying to undermine the immaculate and sacrificial decisions the United Nation’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Control (IPCC) has made regarding climate change (their consensus that the world is flat – I mean – that mankind is causing global warming), but they actually considered scientific claims from those heathen deniers.

Listen to this argument made by one of the defense attorneys, Caleb Poppe: “The earth has warmed and cooled over many years. If it’s caused by CO2, why haven’t the charts shot up?”

Can’t these consensus debunkers come up with something more original than the ol’, “The earth went into and came out of at least two ice ages long before the Industrial Revolution” argument? Why not argue that increases in CO2 amounts actually precede temperature increases and not the other way around? Oops, I, well, anyway, don’t they know that Hurricane Katrina is a production of global warming?

And this other defense attorney, Alexia Hegy, argued that the global temperature actually dropped in the 1960s while global population rose.

Such naivety! If it wasn’t for global warming, the world would have had to deal with another Ice Age. We should be thankful our situation has changed.

These sixth graders think they’re so cute holding their own vote about the reality of global warming. But the IPCC is a distinguished group of liberal politicians and bribed scientists, and their consensus was unanimous, not a split vote like these pansy sixth graders. The IPCC maintained their scientific integrity by barring prominent global warming deniers such as CSU’s William Gray, University of Delaware’s David R. Legates, France’s revered Claude Allegre, Britain’s David Bellamy, Russia’s Habibullo Abdussamatov and the Czech Republic President Vaclav Klaus.

Apparently, the teacher of these kids thought the whole trial was just peachy wonder. “They’re pretty young for this kind of thinking. They did great,” said Ken Poppe – ironically enough, the father of defense attorney Caleb Poppe. Propagandist papa.

Mr. Poppe doesn’t believe in Darwinism, either, but he said something about not being able to understand someone’s position until “you can argue it to their satisfaction.” I don’t know how a global warming denier and a creationist got into the classroom, but someone at Trail Ridge Middle School needs a stiff talking to. The last thing we need are conservative teachers brainwashing our youth.

If Mr. Poppe really wanted to be unbiased, he would have showed Al Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth” for the class instead of letting these misguided mongrels search for the answers themselves.

So what if some of Gore’s facts are a little unfactual? In the film, he claimed that sea levels could rise by 20 feet because of glacial melting into the sea. The IPCC, reporting on the rate of ice loss in Greenland, East and West Antarctica, said it would take 1,000 years to raise sea levels by a few centimeters. But it’s Gore’s spirit of the law, not the letter, that counts.

These global warming deniers are just having a hard time warming up to the increased role governments around the world will be playing in order to save the world from the consequences of global warming.

When Al Gore urged U.S. lawmakers to cut CO2 emissions by 90 percent by 2050, only massive government regulation can foot that bill. From what cars we can drive to what kind of light bulbs we can use, whatever it takes, governments everywhere need to step in and control our lives so that our grandchildren can have a life. (By the way, isn’t Gore’s house so big and beautiful?)

And the nerve of that Czech president, Vaclav Klaus, saying the global warming movement is the greatest threat to freedom since Communism. He’s just upset he didn’t get to vote about the factuality of global warming.

Trevor Sides is a senior speech communication major. His column appears every Thursday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to

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