So as we’ve seen this semester, through my meaningless banter (that for some reason, you all read) sex is largely subjective. While we all know where I stand on this subject (somewhere between pathetic and in need of serious psychological therapy) I’d like to open it up a little bit and find out about each of you. So in the interest of research for a future column, I’m giving you all home work, hopefully without creating a ‘bash Kevin’ forum. I ask of you to please e-mail the Collegian any and all stories, information or questions you may have regarding dating, sex, or anything else sex related. I reserve the right to reference any and all material sent in.
With that, today’s column is meant as a civic platform to information women everywhere in order to create awareness of a painful and potentially deadly disease known to the medical community as Acute Testicular Congestion (ATC).
‘Blue Balls’, as it’s known to the masses, affects millions of men every second of every day the world over. The cause, in this reporter’s eyes is women. It’s just science, women have been causing ATC for hundreds of years and today I’m putting my foot down. It is my firm held belief that the pain associated with ATC would be comparable to a woman with a swift karate chop to the vagina. (I may have found a new way to break up with girlfriends).
According to Wikipedia.com, “the term was first used by ice fishermen in Minnesota to describe the painful condition caused by the penetration of extreme cold into the genital region.” Now used to describe the medical condition we’ve all grown familiar with, it holds a similar meaning.
So being the journalist I am, I decided to hit the streets of Fort Collins to find out what the people think of this condition and just how deadly it can be. My results are astoundingly one-sided. While many felt that it “sucks,” there were a few who said they’ve never experienced it and one very intoxicated individual who was set on kicking my ass.
Despite the homophobes and liars, I was able to conclude that ATC is not getting enough recognition. With men from all corners of the globe experiencing this all too common condition, I was forced to wonder why no one has developed a nonprofit organization oriented solely to address blue balls.
So, as of today, I am creating The Dudley Blue Balls Foundation set on creating awareness and spreading information aimed at women about genital dissatisfaction. I believe we can find a cure if we work together.
I also believe that the cure can only be found in action, the action of my organization, made up of only the most educated trained single men available, going out to the bars night after night gathering up all the faux sluts and shipping them off to Canada in big creates. It sounds harsh, but I think there are a lot of guys out there that will sleep well tonight knowing that I’m fighting for their cause. You’re welcome.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.