The room is dark. Clothes lay lifeless on the floor and one lone condom wrapper floats harmlessly to the rug.
The stench of passion fills the air as you methodically hump away – 30, 40, 50 seconds tick away and as you hit one minute you release a blood curdling “LEGENDARY!” that rips through the air and hushes the squeak of the bed.
As you look into her unsatisfied, bitter eyes, you jump out of the bed, rip the condom off and shout, throwing the prophylactic against the wall, “Well, that’s how that goes!”
Wikipedia.com defines an orgasm as “the conclusion of the plateau of the sexual response cycle shared by both men and women.”
I’m going to be completely honest here, I have no idea what that means.
I happen to believe that this one sexual function is the great divider between men and women, but I think that the male orgasm is much underrated and under appreciated.
At coolnurse.com, they define a male orgasm as “the period of emission and ejaculation.” They define a women’s orgasm a little more artistically, as “an emotional and physical experience during a sexual response cycle”.
I think what the kind ladies who run the Web site meant to say is, a male orgasm is nothing because men are drones, but a woman’s orgasm is when the oceans swell, the heavens shake, and all the stars align for that one perfect moment when the whole world sings and dances in perfect harmony . gag.
A male orgasm can more accurately be compared to heroin: It doesn’t last long and it messes with your head, but it’s oh so good and oh so addictive.
For men, we get it. God made us as tools for reproduction and only gave us just enough of an orgasm to want to do it again. It’s simple; rub it the right way (or the wrong way for that matter) and I probably wouldn’t have time to scream “legendary” before it ends.
We all can admit it, though; women do have better orgasms then men. For women, the term itself caries with it enough emotional and physical connotations that they don’t even have to be physically stimulated to have one. There is even new proof that, and stay with me here guys, they can have non-genital orgasms.
I don’t care what that is. I want one.
According to Beverly Whipple, co-author of “The Science of Orgasm,” “We have documented in our laboratory that women can have orgasms from imagery alone without touching their bodies”.
She also goes on to say that they have had success in reaching orgasms with paraplegic test subjects that were previously unable to climax.
While I don’t entirely understand that, it does bring up a good point: sometimes faking the orgasm is your only way out of a sticky situation. It’s no secret that women have been faking them for years. And have developed their own foolproof way of making it realistic.
Well, today I’d like to say that, yes, I have faked orgasms before. I tell you this because women should not be the only ones pretending to like sex. Guys, next time you’re with you lady try this. Twitch your left leg, clench your butt cheeks and yell the first thing that comes to mind, “uuugugaahah, CLAM CHOWDER!”
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every other Monday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.