My Valentine’s Day

Feb 182007
Authors: Kevin Dudley

Valentine’s Day – I hate it, everything except the kinky sex toys, I like those. The only thing that makes Valentine’s Day sex different from every other day sex is that you get to smash Reese’s Pieces on your junk, tape a candy heart on your butt and call it a gift – “Eat up honey, I made this for you.”

This day was invented for single persons to feel very inadequate to their friends in relationships who treat them like a charity they have to spend time with and use them as an excuse to get away from the preverbal “ball and chain”.

Now I realize the implications of doing two Valentine’s Day columns, but I couldn’t resist. Being single on this wondrous of holidays, especially in Fort Fun, turns it into a “get hammered and see who feels bad enough about their single-hood to sleep with you” fest.

So while all you people in a loving, caring relationship had expensive dinners, fancy wines and crazy V-Day sex, single people everywhere were just reminded how single they are.

Well, I feel as though you should know what kind of a day I had just for reference. The following are the minutes of my V-Day.

As I woke up in the crawl space again (I’m not sure how I keep getting in there but I’m quite sure my roommates are tired of it) I decided that I was going to treat myself to a clean pair of underwear. I only do this for special days, and this my friends, was a special day.

At around 10 a.m., as I stuff cupcakes in my mouth in a solo chubby bunny match, I can’t help but think that me being single may be some other reason then me deciding to be. No one can tame this wild stallion.

At 5:30 pm, the Valentine’s gift that I ordered for myself showed up at my door. Now some of you may scoff at the idea of ordering a hooker for yourself on Valentine’s Day, but not me. But we couldn’t decide on a proper payment for her to bring her dog over, so she left.

I like to feel pretty sometimes, so in an effort to make myself feel pretty, I drew myself a bath, lit my scented candles and threw in my Best of Ani DiFranco CD. Does the trick every time.

It’s now 9:50 pm: I’m standing, looking at my naked self in the mirror and the only thing that comes to mind is 3 little words, “Mmm, I look good”. The day, sure to end with me passed out at my roommate’s computer, butt naked with midget porn playing (again) has flown by and I can’t believe that I have to wait a whole year till the next Valentine’s Day.

All said and done, it is nice to share an intimate moment with someone close to you. It means much more to hold someone that you care for and know that they care for you then to try and snuggle with some hooker off the streets with three different venereal diseases. I know this, yet I like the adventure and I’m not ready to quit, just yet.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to

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