Practice Makes Perfect

Feb 042007

(The following is not a personal tale. It’s simply an example. just an example).

The shadows creep in from under the door, flickering like a lit candle. You hold your breath. “Don’t move, don’t even breathe,” you tell yourself, hiding in your dark room.

Footsteps grow closer to your door, then silence. You shiver. Then without warning, your door blows open and you are reviled, underwear on you head, penis in a loaf of bread and your roommate’s peanut butter smeared all over your body.

Masturbation is a high stakes game, where no one really wins and, in cases like the one above, everyone loses. With stakes this high, why would we risk everything for such little gain?

Three little words: Practice makes perfect.

If you practice now, while you’re a solo artist, you’ll be playing some long duets in the future.

It happens to be a time-honored tradition dating all the way back to the days of Jesus Christ. Fact: Did you know JC was a chronic masturbator? OK, maybe not.

But it is a historical fact that Moses had crippling carpal tunnel syndrome, and it wasn’t from carrying those tablets down from the mountain.

Let’s look at the real facts, shall we. For many years, society has taken a very negative stance on sex and has been telling us that playing the one-holed finger flute is naughty and wrong.

According to (I’m not even going to tell you how I found that) negative attitudes towards sex are directly related to negative sexuality, though they have no proof to claim such a thing. What Solotouch defines as negative sexuality is any negative sexual acts. I’m guessing this would be things like familiar relations between an adult and a gerbil, relatives to that gerbil, or forced familiar relations with any and all rodents.

So what is telling us, is that if you don’t polish the scepter of love enough you will rape your younger sister. What I think they mean to say, is that it’s OK. Masturbation, sex, all of it – it’s human and we need to start acting like it’s OK.

Everyone does it.

Women are very secretive about their masturbation habits. Men, next time you shower at a woman’s house and her massaging shower head drills you in the nuts when you turn on the water, think about it.

Men are pretty open about when, where, how, and with what they tend to their little generals. Many a conversation has been had, in many a locker room about the intimate details surrounding the many ways in which men love themselves.

Women are weird, they like artsy, talky, kissy soft-core porn. Watching soft core porn is like whacking off to a romance novel, yady yada hot throbbing, yady yada penetrate, yady yada explosion, all of the story line, none of the action.

As for me, I cozy up in the crawlspace, wrap my belt around my neck and fake climax in a tissue, crying, until my roommates flush me out with a hose.

There’s nothing wrong with that, and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Colegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to

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