Jan 302007
Authors: Kevin Dudley

This past week, I finally reached the fame I’ve always wanted. You know you’re on the cusp of greatness when people are taking cheap shots at you in Ram Rant. (Amnesty, that was pretty funny, but I can’t help but thinking you’re the girl I offended two Thursday’s ago at Sullivan’s.)

So. many of you may have noticed that I was not in the paper on Wednesday, and if you didn’t, well, I wasn’t in the paper on Wednesday. Last week I had an article poking fun at President Larry Penley and announcing that I am pretending to be from Chicago for the next two weeks.

The editors, bless their little hearts, would not print it (so much for Amendment No. 1) and saved me from a massive faux pas (Penley would have probably had me whacked – i.e. sleeping with the fishes, cement shoes, capisce?)

Instead, I will just revert to what I know best – pop culture and obscure sex references, most of which I probably just make up. I realize, now, that I am just a writer monkey and will dance only at the command of the editors.

So on that note, who wants to hear about the Moustache World Championships while I put on my dancin’ shoes? Clickity clickity clat, tap tap tap. (That’s me tap dancing.)

The Moustache Championships (I think it’s pronounced moo-stach-a, which I believe is Japanese for moustache. Tappa tappa tappa.) is a bi-annual contest to find the best moustaches and beards in the world. Each country is represented by a team – kind of like the Olympics but without all the training, drug testing, competing and pretty much anything else.

According to the Bread Team USA website, the Germans have dominated this competition due to their “superior organization and the large numbers of active and enthusiastic participants.” Tip tap tap clippity clap.

Some are saying there is foul play involved and are accusing ze Germans of cheating. I say we don’t have anybody on our team who’s good enough to win. I say we do some recruiting and revamp our team to take down those cheating Germans.

The first person on the list is quite obviously Tom Selleck. He is a man so influential, so famous, he brought a fad called the moustache from the brink of extinction to the forefront of society. With out this man, the moustache would have surely gone the way of the mullet.

The next spot is a toss-up between Bert Reynolds and Chuck Norris. While Burt Reynolds has far superior facial hair, Chuck Norris could. well, do what he does best if things don’t go his way.

I would cap the team off and name Ron Jeremy team captain solely based on his uncanny ability to give moustache rides. He is clearly not a Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds, but we need someone who could pull out his penis and settle everything if things get hairy. With that kind of team, we’d win for sure. Tappy tap tap tippy tip clap.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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