Clarence Belmont is a parrot trainer who sells pot on the side on the beaches of Oahu. Purchasing from Clarence will get you some of the best chronic this side of the Pacific and for no charge at all Clarence will hook you up with a sticky-icky story that will leave your faded mind reeling.
I am not sure if Clarence tells this same story to every customer, but this is the story that he told me.
“L. Ron Hubbard’s brain, according to Hawaiian folklore, was taken from his body shortly after his passing and preserved in a jar, in a cave somewhere on the North Shore.” Clarence said, gazing respectfully at a bikini-clad blonde.
“In 1988, shortly after ‘Cocktail,’ Tom Cruise was kidnapped and replaced by a sophisticated automatronic eunuch Hubbard dubbed Croozbot3000.” Belmont’s piercing left eye looked deep into mine, his right one hidden under a pirate patch.
“Legend has it that the Brain of L. Ron Hubbard is alive and well, controlling Croozbot3000 on the North Shore of Oahu in an effort to promote Scientology.”
After a few joints it all made sense, and my mission was clear.
Clarence said I would need a guide and a donkey so he introduced me to Santos Delsuave Jones, whom Clarence got his weed from and who also happened to have a donkey. The trip was interesting, but I wont get into that except to say that Santos has very good weed and it is very probable that his donkey, Skeet, can solve complex algebraic equations with his hooves. but that is neither here nor there.
I approached the mouth of the cave and was overcome by an intense fear. In the distance I heard the braying Skeet and cursed the damned coward Santos.
I followed a high nasal wheezing into the cave, and there, sitting in the shadows was what appeared to be Steven Q. Urkel.
“Don’t be alarmed, I have only assumed this form so as to make you feel more comfortable. you see Kevin, I knew that you were coming.”
KJ: Well, I wouldn’t say that made me feel more comfortable.
L. Ron Hubbard’s Brain: Oh. Well.
KJ: I mean Urkel was all right. kind of annoying though.
LRH’sB: Is this better?
KJ: Not at all.
LRH’sB: I AM L. RON HUBBARD”S BRAIN!!!
KJ: Never really liked Perfect Strangers. it’s insisting.
LRH’sB: Oh. I thought that. is this better?
KJ: Why not.
LRH’sB: Ah, yes, now. tell me why you have come.
KJ: Well, I wanted to ask you about.
LRH’sB: Silly Earthling, I am the brain of L. Ron Hubbard and I already know your purpose. You wish to invest in a timeshare!
KJ: Not exactly.
LRH’sB: You wish to purchase lawn furniture!
LRH’sB: Croozbot3000. (Evil laughter). (Heinous fart).
LRH’sB: Damn straight.
(I told the brain about what Clarence had told me.)
LRH’sB: God damn it. Look, first off Clarence is an f***ing idiot. I don’t even really know the guy, I just used to buy weed from him.
KJ: So it’s not true?
LRH’sB: No, God.Well kind of.I mean, I did invent Croozbot3000. but I never, you know.
KJ: Kidnapped Tom Cruise?
LRH’sB: It’s not that I didn’t try, I did try. Tom is a wily so’m bitch. always one step ahead of me.
KJ: Why did you want to kidnap him?
LRH’sB: Are you kidding? He is going to discredit all I ever stood for. seriously, Tom is a little fruity.
KJ: So all that stuff, the jumping on couches, the insane fist pumping.
LRH’sB: All Tom.
KJ: What happened to Cruisebot3000?
LRH’sB: He cleans the cave sometimes.
KJ: Well, thanks for your time, I’m going to take off. hopefully Santo isn’t too far off.
LRH’sB: Hey man, you know, come back by sometime. we can get high, maybe play a little Madden?
KJ: Yeah. that sounds like something I.won’t be doing.
LRH’sB: Could you tell Clarence I’m almost out of bud?
Staff writer Kevin Johnson can be reached at email@example.com. The opinions expressed in this column reflect the views of the individual author and not necessarily those of the Collegian.