So how is everyone – good? While we all had a break, most of you fools may have squandered it with relaxing, working some monotonous job or with family. Mine was different, and yes, much better than yours. I was held captive by the good people who run the Collegian, hunched over a computer trying to come up with columns that could possibly get a rise out of any of you (which I’ve decided is completely impossible; the only people who write in about me are completely devoid of any sense for real journalism).
To open things up this semester, I’d like to let you into my world for about 600 words and share with you a few things about Kevin Dudley or The Reverend Swoop Trenton, as I call myself.
I am a goal-oriented person. When I see a chance at greatness I leap on it like a fuzzy little kitten with a ball of yarn (bat it around for a while not knowing what to do, then go to terrorize every single thing I see no matter what). Although I have many goals (complete one match of chubby bunny with a bottle of whisky, orchestrate an all-hooker Civil War reenactment and be the first white person to appear on BET) I have always wanted to own and operate a National Cockfighting Championship Circuit. I picture myself the king of the CockfightsT. I could even own and train a gamecock (I picture him as an underdog lovingly named Tom Brady).
Seeing as cockfights will most definitely not be legal in the states for a while – thank you Citizens Against Cockfighting – I was thinking of moving to Mexico where cockfighting is most definitely legal. It’s much easier than my back-up dream of hosting a game show in which I drunkenly stumble around for a half-hour and contestants bet on how long it takes me to kick everyone off my show.
In order to really understand the enigma that is cockfighting, we must take a closer look at its roots. Being that it is Mexico’s long-standing tradition, I am going to naturally assume it all started there more than 1,500 years ago. Now used as a celebration, cockfights are still a regular occurrence and cock owners stand to win large sums of pesos (whatever that is).
While it is a blood sport (gamecocks fight to the death with razors tied to their feet) it may not be as vicious as George Bush and his government make it out to be. After much research, cockfighting scientists have proven that gamecocks not only like fighting, they may actually like dying as well (I have made it a point to never question any source for credibility – it takes all the fun out of reporting) and who are we to get in the way of little Tom Brady’s destiny? (Who are we kidding – he’d wipe the floor with any cock out there, including, say, one named Peyton Manning next Sunday).
While all this is well and good, some out there still have a problem with this wonderful sport and may be asking, “But Rev. Swoop, what can I do to help stop cockfighting?” You’re in luck! According to The Humane Society of the United States, there are a few key things that could help, which include WRITING LETTERS which none of you would know how to do. I’m out.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.