City OKs only Christmas trees

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Nov 302006
 
Authors: By BRANDON LOWREY

The Christmas tree on display in the Fort Collins City Hall is not an official endorsement of Christmas, council members said Thursday.

The council’s decision to display on city property Santa Claus and Christmas trees while refusing to allow menorahs or other religious displays has outraged interfaith leaders. Council members said Christmas trees and Santa Claus are secular holiday symbols.

“I just about fell out of my chair,” Rabbi Yerachmiel Gorelik said to the notion that Santa Claus is secular. “I never sat on Santa’s lap, and I never will.”

Council members are playing to the majority at the expense of alienating the city’s religious minorities, he said.

City council members Kurt Kastein and Diggs Brown said that if one religious symbol is displayed, then the city would be obligated to display symbols for every religion.

“It’s just a tree with lights on it,” said District 3 Councilman Diggs Brown. “I do believe you could put dollar signs on that tree and it would have the same effect that it does today.”

Though the city’s formal holiday display at the Oak Street Plaza in Old Town is at the center of the debate, Christmas trees are also on display at several city buildings.

Brown and Kastein cited a 1994 Supreme Court decision that ruled Christmas trees with white lights to be non-religious symbols. But when asked if some citizens may associate the Christmas trees with Christianity, Kastein said they might.

“Sure, it could be, because Christmas is part of ‘Christmas tree’ and it’s Christmas, and you’re right that it is Christ’s birthday,” Kastein said. But he added that court precedent favors the city’s position.

He said city attorneys told the city council that the menorah, which signifies Hanukkah, is a religious symbol. Kastein added that if the city were to display a menorah, it would also have to display all sorts of symbols – “Rudolph, Frosty, and countless other secular and religious symbols.”

In short, it would lead to chaos.

As far as alienation goes, “the same argument could be made for Christians who aren’t seeing a nativity scene displayed on public property,” he said. “I would say to folks that have an issue with that that being inclusive on this particular display is next to impossible without being ridiculous.”

So for now, menorahs are banned from city property in Fort Collins. Gorelik said that the city’s leadership doesn’t reflect its citizens.

Gorelik is set to lead a menorah lighting service at CSU on the Lory Student Center Plaza on Thursday, and another in Old Town Square on Dec. 21. Hanukkah begins Dec. 15 at sundown.

Brown called the decision “tough” and described future hopes of showcasing all kinds of religious symbols at a city park. Kastein, however, said he’s OK with the current situation.

“I’m pretty happy with just saying, ‘Merry Christmas’ with a Christmas tree,” Kastein said. “I like Christmas. I like the city recognizing that it is Christmastime, and the vast majority of citizens in Fort Collins would agree and celebrate Christmas. And the best way for us to do that is to display a Christmas tree.”

Editor in chief Brandon Lowrey can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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Dec. 21, menorah lighting, Old Town Square, 6 p.m., a giant menorah lighting ceremony

CSU Hanukkah celebration, menorah on plaza on Thursday.

Hanukkah starts the night of Dec. 15.

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‘Best teacher’ nominations being accepted

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Nov 302006
 
Authors: Anne Farrell

Even the most mundane classes can be made interesting by a devoted professor.

For this reason, the Alumni Association and Student Alumni Connection Leadership Council host the “Best Teacher Awards” each year, giving students and alumni the opportunity to recognize the faculty who have made the largest impact on their education.

“I think that there’s not a lot of opportunities for faculty to be recognized by students for what they do inside the classroom,” said Lindsay Sell, coordinator of student programs for the Alumni Association.

From a nomination pool of nearly 200, six professors are chosen for making a difference in the lives of students, demonstrating excellence in teaching and showing commitment to CSU. Recipients may only receive the award once, and future nominations are disqualified.

“(The winner) would have to be interesting and about to make class fun,” said Kristin Eide, a junior biology major.

Nominations may be submitted online at www.csualum.com and will be accepted until Dec. 8. A board of members from both alumni associations will review the nominations.

If she had her pick, Sarah Phelan said she would nominate Norman Dalsted, an economics professor.

“He’s not there to because he has to be, he’s there to ask questions,” the freshman equine science major said. “Even though the class has 200 students I don’t feel like I’m one of 200.”

Winners of the Best Teacher Award for 2007 will be formally announced at the award ceremony in February, where nominees and winners alike are honored for their contributions to students.

Staff writer Anne Farrell can be reached at news@collegian.com.

____________________________________________

2006 Best Teacher Award winners:

Dr. Whitney Cranshaw, Bioagricultural Sciences and Pest Management

Dr. Nathalie Kees, School of Education

Deanna Ludwin, English

Dr. Marvin Paule, Biochemistry and Molecular Biology

Dr. Dimitris Stevis, Political Science

Dr. Don Zimmerman, Journalism and Technical Communication.

Nominations for the 2007 award may be submitted online at www.csualum.com and will be accepted until Dec. 8.

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CSU adds to AIDS quilt, honors victims worldwide

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Nov 302006
 
Authors: HEATHER HAWKINS

The panels are colorful, crafted by expert quilters and those who can barely paint with stencils alike. Markers and cloth spell out names, birth dates and hometowns. Song lyrics, mountains, photos, keys and hearts convey talents, personalities and wishes.

“Don’t be afraid, be aware,” reads one of more than 40,000 panels of the AIDS Memorial Quilt that commemorates the lives of people lost to AIDS.

“It’s incredibly moving,” said 26-year-old Lucas Walker, a community liaison and program assistant at the Northern Colorado AIDS Project. “Each panel is so detailed and specific to the person it’s memorializing.”

For World AIDS Day today, members of NCAP and numerous CSU organizations made small panels and ribbons to add to the quilt.

CSU fashion merchandising students sewed the individual panels together, creating a 3-by-6-foot memorial ribbon, said Shauna DeLuca, the interim coordinator for International Education.

The quilt panel will be on display from 6 to 8 p.m. today during a vigil in the Lory Student Center Art Lounge. Names of Colorado residents who lost their lives to HIV will be read at the vigil in addition to four short presentations, live music and lighting of candles, DeLuca added. People who have lost a family member to AIDS may sign the panel.

“(The quilt is) something very personal for every person who participates because they are creating their own memorial for their loved one,” DeLuca said.

The Names Project Foundation started the quilt in 1987 “to foster healing, heighten awareness, and inspire action in the struggle against HIV and AIDS,” according to its Web site, www.aidsquilt.org.

Eight individual panels are sewn together to make 12-foot square blocks that are displayed across the globe. The blocks, made by families, friends, schools, agencies and medical centers, can be viewed on the quilt’s Web site.

NCAP and CSU have hosted quilt blocks three or four times since 2000, although none are currently in Colorado, Walker said.

“It’s incredibly impressive,” he added. “There is a wealth of stories. It’s a real work of art.”

Someone can make a quilt panel and never see it again.

“A person in Illinois can see panels from Colorado or California,” Walker said. “That’s kind of the value of it. The story spreads.”

The memorial quilt is the largest ongoing community arts project in the world, according to the quilt’s Web site.

NCAP is a nonprofit organization that began in 1986 to provide support, comfort and financial assistance to HIV-positive people. It strives to improve the quality of life for people affected by HIV and AIDS and help stop the spread of the disease, Walker said.

“It’s the most relevant work I’ve ever taken part in,” Walker said about working at NCAP. He believes AIDS is a major challenge for our generation, and World AIDS Day is a good time for people to ask what they can do to make a difference in the world.

AIDS is not just a U.S. or African problem, he said. It’s a global crisis that affects all ages, genders and orientations.

About 10,000 Colorado residents are living with HIV or AIDS, Walker said. Globally, women ages 18 to 24 and minorities are at high risk for contracting the disease as well as gay men in the United States, he added.

HIV is an autoimmune disorder spread through blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk. It causes the body to attack itself, reducing T-cells that destroy infections, according to the NCAP Web site, www.ncaids.org. An infected person has AIDS when he or she develops serious symptoms. Infections like cancer and pneumonia actually kill the person.

Through the quilt, people who have felt the impact of AIDS can send one final message out to their loved ones.

“Sweet Dreams Randy Boswell.”

Staff writer Heather Hawkins can be reached at news@collegian.com.

________________________________________

During World AIDS Day, NCAP will also be giving low- and no-cost HIV tests in Fort Collins, Loveland and Greeley. For information about testing or any questions about HIV and AIDS, people can call NCAP’s main office at 484-4469.

Also, the LSC Arts Program will carry on the tradition of a Day Without Art in remembrance of the affect AIDS has had on the artistic community. All art hanging in the student center will be covered to promote awareness of the disease.

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Navajo code talker visits CSU

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Nov 302006
 
Authors: Stephanie Gerlach

A fragile and worn Navajo man sat and listened to the sound of traditional native drummers Thursday night. This man is Sgt. Allen Dale June, one of the 29 original Navajo code talkers during World War II.

June, now 85, is the oldest of 13 children and worked at a windmill on the Navajo reservation in Kaibeto “Antelope Springs,” Ariz. He joined the United States Marine Corps in 1942.

He was only 16 at the time, but said he was 19 in order to serve. Because he was the only one of the original code talkers who had a high school education, he was automatically given a higher rank.

June served in the Pacific Corridor in Division One, where all 29 men developed the code – which consisted of 200 Navajo words substituted for common military words and phrases. It was the main mode of code communication and was unwritten and unknown by the Germans and Japanese.

He worked as a code talker on the Battleship McKinley to redirect the firing line depending on where the Japanese were. June was in all seven major battles in the Pacific Corridor and crossed the equator eight times.

The Navajo code was never broken.

But June doesn’t speak much English these days, so his wife Virginia speaks on his behalf.

“We feel honored that people continue to recognize the contributions my husband made to the freedom this country enjoys,” she said. “If we know the country is safe, our Navajo nation is safe.”

After three and a half years in the service, June was honorably discharged and was given a Congressional Gold Medal along with the other original 29 code talkers.

He went on to receive a master’s in business management and start a family. In all these years, June has remained tight-lipped about his experiences during the war, but takes pride in honoring his past at various events.

“He went on just living his life and he doesn’t talk about (his experiences during the war),” Virginia said.

Wearing his USMC cover adorned with pins, June and his wife were special guests at the opening of the exhibition at the Duhesa, “one who appreciates beauty,” Lounge. The event was sponsored by Native American Student Services and served as a conclusion for Native American Awareness Month.

Ty Smith, director of NASS, said the exhibit is a combination of traditional and contemporary work by living artists who continue to practice their talent that has been passed down through the generations.

“The exhibit is important to us because it’s a way of showing our native culture on campus with those who may not be familiar with it,” he said.

NASS worked in collaboration with Native American Student Association and the LSC Arts Program to bring in three of the artists and set of the displays for their work.

“We are trying to keep current artists displayed here-work that is still being created because people are still making artwork,” said Stan Scott, the graduate assistant for the LSC Arts Program.

The exhibit began with an opening reception and a traditional Navajo prayer given in the native language by Alex Benally, one of the exhibiting artists. The five members of the Ram Nation Drum Group also played.

Two of the three artists invited were in attendance. Benally, who resides in Farmington, N.M., creates traditional style silver jewelry. He started in junior high because of his great uncle who was also a silversmith and allowed Benally to help with his work. He has been creating these pieces for almost 30 years and is also a medicine man in his hometown.

Troy Sice, who is from the Zuni reservation in Albuquerque, specializes in fetish carvings, using mainly elk antler. He comes from a family of artists and dedicates his work to his grandfather and two uncles, all of whom have past. He is still trying to get his name out there and hopes to open a gallery of his own.

People walked in and out of the exhibit throughout the opening reception, talking to artists and admiring the various pieces now on display.

Julie Metzger, a junior natural resources major, attended this exhibit last year and wanted to come back and support NASS and Native American Awareness Month next year.

“This exhibit helps to raise awareness about issues that are affecting their community and also helps promote understanding about their culture.”

Staff writer Stephanie Gerlach can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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World AIDS Day educates and commemorates

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Nov 302006
 
Authors: Jack Genadek

Eric Aoki knows from experience what it’s like to lose someone to AIDS.

“I lost my partner to AIDS five years ago,” the associate professor of speech communication said.

Aoki has committed himself to World AIDS Day ever since.

“From both the personal and socio-cultural perspectives, I have committed to the education and awareness of HIV/AIDS as well as prevention,” he said.

With 39.5 million people living with HIV internationally and 4.3 million becoming infected with the disease this year, World AIDS Day has a greater importance each year to remind the public that HIV is not going away.

Today marks the 19th annual World AIDS Day. The World AIDS Campaign organizes the day of remembrance, education and awareness.

“Stop AIDS: Keep the Promise” will be WAC’s slogan each year until 2010. The slogan is to ensure that governments, policy makers and regional health authorities remember the targets they set to fight HIV and AIDS.

To go along with the slogan is this year’s theme of “accountability,” which is designed to inspire citizens around the world to hold their political leaders accountable for the promises they made to the prevention and research of AIDS.

Executive Director Peter Pios of UNAIDS – the United Nations’ program on HIV/AIDS – said he believes it is important for all countries to be held accountable.

“The theme of this World AIDS Day is accountability,” he said. “If we are to reach the targets that countries have set for themselves, then now more then ever, we need to make the money work.”

Many CSU programs are donating their time and money toward the cause. They will be sponsoring many events throughout the day.

The Lory Student Center and Fort Collins Museum of Contemporary Art are coordinating a local Day Without Art, a national program that covers up artwork in an effort to mourn and remember victims of AIDS in the artistic community.

The International Education program will be handing out red ribbons on the Lory Student Center Plaza from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. The ribbons are meant to honor those who have died from AIDS and show support for those living with HIV and AIDS.

Campus Activities and Hartshorn Health Service is hosting a community art project at the LSC Plaza at the same time.

The CSU World AIDS Day committee will host a candlelight vigil at 6 p.m. in the LSC Art Lounge. International Programs coordinator Shauna DeLuca is hoping for a large turnout.

“We hope for as many as we can get,” she said. “It’s a nice tribute for those with HIV.”

Staff writer Jack Genadek can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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Greeks raise the roof to build a roof

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Nov 302006
 
Authors: Emily Lance

Within the dimly lit ballroom, tables stood, decorated for winter holidays.

A slide projector displayed facts about Habitat for Humanity as well as pictures depicting the essence of winter as people entered the ballroom.

This was the scene of the Home for the Holidays: Habitat for Humanity Benefit Ball – an event to help give homes to needy families.

Facebook invitations brought many of the more than 100 dancers to the ball. Others had simply heard from their ties to Greek Life, like Whitney Pleasant, National Panhellenic Council president.

Pleasant anticipates this dance to begin a trend in the social events of the university.

“If it has a theme, like the Habitat for Humanity ball, I can see more in the future,” she said.

Many attended for the social interaction, sitting at the candlelit tables talking and enjoying the hot chocolate and cookies provided. Others took to the floor immediately, not willing to waste a minute of Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love.”

“Zuit Suit Riot” began to play over the speakers, which ignited a few swingers willing to try their hand at twists and turns.

As the official deejay, Andrew Kueen, senior music major and member of Psi Mu Alpha, looked forward to supplying the essence of every move and groove throughout the night. He planned on turning out every track from any artist, “as long as they stay on the dance floor,” he said.

Although the event’s major advertising slogan was “Are you nostalgic for those high school dances,” Mark Spring, sophomore restaurant resort management major, held this dance on another level.

“Too much fun for high school,” Spring said.

Kueen along with other event organizers dressed in their formal wardrobes, with black tuxedos and elegant dresses for the “Home for the Holidays: Habitat for Humanity Benefit Ball.”

All proceeds of the event will be going toward funding the construction of a home for a local Fort Collins family. Habitat for Humanity, in association with Greek Life, is raising the funds to give a home to a local family from Bosnia: Davor, Jasmina and Aida Strikic.

Emily Lance can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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CSUPD: Vehicle break-ins spike

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Nov 302006
 
Authors: Vimal Patel

To combat an increasing number of vehicle break-ins, police are asking students and community members to be the “eyes” of the CSU Police Department.

“While we are making great efforts to catch the person or people responsible for these, our greatest limitation is the number of ‘eyes’ the police department has,” said Cpl. Yvonne Paez, a CSUPD spokeswoman, in a statement.

“There are approximately 25,000 sets of eyes in our Colorado State community…We ask that everyone keep their eyes and ears open and be aware of their surroundings at all times.”

Paez was unsure about exact numbers, but said that there were four cases of vehicle windows smashed in just one day earlier this week.

The thefts occurred in daylight, and goods such as car stereos, CD books filled with CDs, and purses were snatched.

“That’s pretty bold,” she said.

Police are encouraging students to lock their doors and not leave any valuables in plain sight.

That won’t be a problem for Zach Wiggins.

“I don’t have anything in my car, so.,” said the sophomore mechanical engineering major, his voice trailing off.

But Wiggins, who was sporting shorts in freezing temperatures as he trudged through the engineering lot Thursday afternoon, still takes safety precautions.

“I always lock my doors,” he said. “I double check. I’m kind of paranoid about it.”

Adam Patterson, a senior marketing major, said he locks his doors all the time. He’s been parking in the CSU lots for three years and has never had a problem.

“It’s never seemed like a situation I needed to be concerned with,” he said. “Maybe I should be.”

Paez said it will be far more difficult for thieves if every community member is on the lookout for suspicious behavior.

“Together we can really do this,” she said. “That’s what community policing is: working together.”

News managing editor Vimal Patel can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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Insanity, Thy Name is Playstation 3

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Nov 292006
 
Authors: Jason Moses

On Nov. 17, Sony released the Playstation 3 in the United States. The successor to Sony’s wildly successful and creatively named Playstation 2, the PS3 boasts radically improved graphics, thanks to its terrifyingly powerful and ominously named Cell processor. It also houses a high-definition Blu-Ray disc player and a host of other features that one typically finds on top-of-the-line computers.

Sound good? Too bad, because you will never find one. Retailing for $600, the PS3 was also produced in woefully limited quantities, creating raging nerd-demand that resulted in long lines, disappointed customers and in a few cases, some of the most insane news of the Thanksgiving weekend.

“We had 16 pre-orders (for the Playstation 3),” says Fort Collins Fashion Mall Gamestop employee Kristin Connell. “Somehow it got out that we were doing pre-orders, and the next morning we had a line out the door.”

Miniature tent cities sprung up in front of electronics stores throughout Fort Collins and the rest of the United States, with anxious consumers camping out for nearly a week overnight in order to procure one of the monolithic game systems. Interestingly, most of those willing to endure such hardship weren’t even interested in keeping the console, instead opting to sell their system on eBay for potentially massive profit.

“A guy I know ended up getting $1,300 for his PS3 on eBay,” said Gamestop employee Stan Nichols. Despite the initially absurd resale prices found on eBay during the first few days following the console’s launch, auction prices online are now significantly closer to the actual retail price tag of the console.

Unfortunately, of course, the profiteering and desperation eventually led to tragedy. According to an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, a 19-year-old actually ran head-first into a pole as part of a mad dash to be one of 10 customers to receive a PS3, sending him to the hospital. In this case the casualty occurred outside of a Wal-Mart in West Bend, Wis., but even more depressing news was brewing elsewhere.

According to an article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, 21-year-old Michael Penkala spent 36 hours waiting outside of a Wal-Mart in Putnam, Conn., before being beaten by robbers and shot at point-blank range with a sawed-off shotgun. Despite this setback, he still managed to have three friends of his procure PS3s from the store to later sell on eBay and said afterwards, “I wasn’t thinking about my wound, I was all about those Playstations.” All this despite not having health insurance or a job.

The theatre of the absurd pales in comparison. Is Sony to blame for all this? Probably not, but one can hope that someone learns something from all this. Otherwise – holy crap.

Staff writer Jason Moses can be reached at verve@collegian.com. The opinions expressed in this column reflect the views of the individual author and not necessarily those of the Collegian.

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PS3 selling for big bucks on eBay

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Nov 292006
 
Authors: Geoff Johnson

Steve Dodrill spent 42 hours outside the Best Buy store at the Centerra shopping center to get a Playstation 3. No matter how long he had to wait, he was determined to get it.

Dodrill, a junior marketing major, went with five of his friends. To pass the time, he read a little bit and said others played Monopoly.

He said he also took naps whenever he could during the daytime – the chilly temperatures at night didn’t allow for much sleep.

“They wouldn’t let us enter the store or set up tents or anything,” Dodrill said.

Once he’d obtained his Playstation 3, it would only seem logical for Dodrill to drive home as quickly as he could, hook the machine up to the most convenient TV set and start gaming.

“Actually, I sold it on eBay the day after I got it,” he said.

Dodrill, like many other industrious and weather-tolerant souls, had never planned to play his Playstation 3 even once. He’d been planning on selling the Playstation 3 upon purchase since “a couple weeks ahead of time,” he said.

“A friend of mine did this a while ago with the Xbox 360,” he said. “And he made a lot of money.”

And Dodrill made a tidy profit as well – he sold his PS3 for $1,225. That’s about $75 short of doubling what he said was a price of roughly $650 after tax (this works out to a $575 profit).

When the math is done, this works out to almost $14 an hour for the 42 hours he spent outside of Best Buy.

Dodrill wasn’t the only CSU student to make money on the much-anticipated release of the PS3. A friend of his, Alex Monteith, spent 53 hours at the Wal-Mart at Lemay Avenue and Mulberry Street in Fort Collins waiting for a Playstation 3.

Monteith, a senior accounting major, didn’t have any interest in “gaming” on the game system either. He said out of what he estimated to be 23 people in line, “only one of us was actually going to play (PS3).”

He sold his system on eBay for $1,100 dollars.

If he had considered waiting in line for his Playstation 3 as his working hours, that works out to just under $8.50 an hour for Monteith.

This may not seem worth it, but he is quick to mention that unlike his friend’s cold-weather experience at Best Buy, Monteith spent his waiting time indoors.

“I slept in Wal-Mart,” he said. “And by the end, they were even playing the movies (the people in line) wanted to watch.”

Staff writer Geoff Johnson can be reached at verve@collegian.com.

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An interview with Gimly Norris

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Nov 292006
 
Authors: Kevin Johnson

Editor’s Note: This character and interview are fictitious and are meant for comedic value only.

Through the friend of a friend I found myself in the south Denver studio apartment of Gimly Norris, second cousin of international film star and martial arts expert Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has become somewhat of a cult figure with the Internet success of the “Chuck Norris Facts” propelling him to an almost folk-hero-like status.

Chuck Norris is good looking and successful.

Gimly Norris is in his mid-40s, unemployed, overweight and balding.

I knocked on the door to find it partially open. I called out to no response, so I walked in. Random trash littered the apartment; strange smells came from piles of decaying garbage. Rats wandered about like pets.

Sitting in a dirty, broken-down easy chair, half a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand, pulling from a joint with the other, Gimly Norris watches hardcore porn on mute while Rush’s Take Flight plays from the stereo. He looks a bit like his famous cousin (the same ears perhaps). But only slightly.

He noticed my intrusion and gave me the crazy eyes.

I said hello.

He said, “Who sent you and for what purpose?”

Gimly Norris’ fingertips are stained inky black, a sure sign of a crack addiction.

He wears a wife beater and greasy sweatpants. He smells like old baby food and vomit.

Gimly Norris offered me the rest of a Bud Light on the floor beside him. It was warm and smelled like urine. I politely declined and asked for a glass of water.

Gimly Norris doesn’t have any cups; he drinks out of his hand.

My initial shock, which bordered instantly on alarm, had now become sheer panic. The door was still open, and I figured I could bolt and Gimly would forever wonder if I was just a figment of his hallucinations, a bad vision brought on by too much of whatever Gimly was on.

I sat down on a cinder block, which was the only other piece of furniture in the place, set up my tape recorder, kept a firm grip on my keys in case I had to use them to gouge out his eyes in the event that he turned psycho, and began the interview.

KJ: So, Gimly, what’s your favorite Chuck Norris fact?

GN: Um, I don’t know. How about Chuck Norris was breastfed until the age of seven. Chuck Norris only wears a beard to cover his hair lip?

KJ: Oh, well.

GN: Chuck Norris can’t read. That do anything for ya?

KJ: Not a fan, I take it.

GN: Listen man, Chuck ain’t that great. Guess what he got me for Christmas last year? Guess…

(I shake my head)

GN: A scarf. He got me a f***ing scarf. The guy’s a f***ing millionaire.

(Gimly Norris rolls a joint.)

KJ: Were you and Chuck close as kids?

GN: Yeah, hell yeah, who do you think taught him the roundhouse? I used to kick the s*** out of that kid. You tell him I said that.

(I tell him that I don’t know Chuck personally, but would try to relay the message. He tells me to take my hat off.)

KJ: Ok. So when did you and Chuck have your falling out?

GN: Around the third time he banged my ex-wife.

KJ: That must have been rough.

GN: Yeah. I should have seen it coming though. Seriously, dude, could you take off the hat?

KJ: I’m not wearing a hat, Gimly.

GN: Yarrgghhh.

(Uncomfortable silence)

KJ: So, I understand you were in an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” What was that like?

GN: Oh, great, great. I was trying to get my acting career off the ground, so I call up Chuck and I says to him, I says, “Hey man, you know, can you hook me up or whatever. Anything will work, just kinda want to get the Gimly Norris name out there.” He says, ‘You know what Gim, I think I got a role that would be perfect for you.'”

KJ: What was that?

GN: Dead guy number two. the son of a bitch.

(Gimly breaks down, drops his head and covers his face with a rag, his shoulders heave with heavy sobs. Not sure what to do, I reach out to pat him on the shoulder.)

KJ: Come on. don’t cry…

(He lifts his head and looks at me with the intensity of a serial rapist.)

GN: What?

(His pupils are the size of dinner plates. He was huffing paint thinner.)

KJ: Never mind. So, um, was that a recurring role?

(Gimly giggles like a maniac)

GN: Here’s a fact, in the 10th grade Chuck Norris lost his virginity to a sock puppet he called Zeus.

KJ: Blimey.

GN: I’m not going to tell you again. remove the hat.

KJ: Whelp, I think that’s about all we have time for, any final words?

GN: Chuck Norris is a dick.

Staff writer Kevin Johnson can be reached at verve@collegian.com. The opinions expressed in this column reflect the views of the individual author and not necessarily those of the Collegian.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm