Disclaimer: This opinion will be taken completely out of context and Kevin should not be blamed for any ensuing anger that results from reading it.
So I’ve been reading some stuff lately, namely the Code of Conduct for the National Society of Newspaper Columnists (I can’t say that with out laughing). It says, and I quote, “I (the columnist) will work hard to provoke them (you the reader) to think – whether they agree or disagree with my efforts to depict truth as I see it.”
It’s obvious I haven’t been challenging you to think enough – I can tell from the lack of hate mail I’ve received. So this week, in a brilliant act of defiance of the code, I’ve got to step it up a notch and really define myself as an individual.
There are a few truths I’d like to depict as I see it for you, and by that I mean I’m going to get drunk and get some stuff off my chest because that’s what this part of the semester makes me feel like doing.
In the interest of a very busy week, I’ll keep this brief.
OK. shut up, everyone just. are you going to listen to me? Are you paying attention… ’cause what I’m about to say is very, very important. I’m going to take you down a peg or two so listen up.
Now, while I’ve only been in Colorado for a short time, I’ve managed to pick up a few things here that I think you should be aware of.
First, Colorado, you suck at driving. Why is the straightest, flattest highway I’ve ever seen one of the most dangerous in the country? I’m of course referring to I-25. If I hear one more person wonder why this is while driving 90 mph in the snow, I’ll probably just punch that person right in the mouth. Apparently from what I’ve heard, in a state that averages over 300 days of sunshine a year, the weather is sooo unpredictable no one can keep up with it and they just go sliding off the road. Am I missing something or am I being too sarcastic?
I say forgo drivers ed, since it appears to be useless in this state anyway. I’ll do everyone a favor and go over a couple of these rules right now as they might prove to be helpful.
Rule #1. Stay off I-70 altogether this winter.
Rule #2. Actually, just don’t drive at all. Leave it to the people who actually know how.
Rule #3. If there is an accident on the side of the road that doesn’t impede traffic flow, don’t slam on the brakes.
Rule #4. COP!!!! (I bet every one of you just slammed on your brakes. It’s OK to go the speed limit, trust me.)
You know what really twists my nipple? Car accidents. Could someone please tell me: Why in the name of JC (that’s Jesus Christ for short) are all car accidents cleaned up by the time I get there? If I wait for 2 hours in traffic because of an accident that one of my motor vehicle companions created, I want to see some blood or a fire or something to compensate my time, at least an apology for driving like an idiot. Have a little common decency.
Lest see, what else really chafes the area between my inner thigh and genitals? Yes, I’m from Vermont, and yes, the mountains here are very big (I’m way impressed). Vermont has mountains to ya know, with as much if not more vertical drop then yours. Yours may be above 10,000 and 11,000 feet but they all start at 8,000 or 9,000 ft. Get over it.
Fort Collins traffic lights. I’m going to assume they were timed by a bronze medalist at the Special Olympics simply because I can’t handle knowing that they may have been timed by someone competent.
And finally, you know what else really grinds my gears CSU? You CSU, screw you.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.