Oct 242006
Authors: Kevin Dudley

I’d like to point out (in this week’s attempt at journalism) that all the dating talk in the Collegian as of late is making me sad and lonely and I don’t get sad or lonely (most of the time). You can imagine my dilemma.

I’m going to say this once and then next week we’ll get back to business as usual. If it seems like I am ranting, I probably am.

While we’ve all had our trouble with the opposite sex (take it from a man who has been beaten up by a small, Hispanic woman with stiletto heels – don’t ask) it’s fair to say that some have had more. I’m going to use my space today charitably, to help those not as successful and make them feel as though they can do better.

Courtship has been around a while. In America’s infancy it started as a way to marry as quick as possible to bear children and help the family. It had nothing to do with lust or casual sex (which is completely unacceptable).

Dating has changed just a little bit since the colonial days with the invention of text messaging (which is the single best invention for dating since condoms) and is now highly influenced by Hollywood.

As everyone knows, I’m a slave to trends; that said, it has become a norm to move fast and take chances, which almost always results in ending fast. And this, my lonely readers, is a problem all in its own. I am a firm believer that in order to move fast you must have someone to move fast with, so let’s see what we can do.

Take this to heart: Continue doing what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. In layman’s terms, if you’re happy with how much coitus you’re performing at any given moment, then just continue to do what you’re doing. Otherwise, I’m assuming you would like an increase.

Get over rejection, plain and simple. If you do not wish to fail, you’re playing the wrong game and you’re wasting everyone’s time. Consider this: You’re selling a product (which in this case is your lovely self) and if you don’t believe in the product, why should I, or anyone else for that matter?

Girls, chivalry IS dead because I’m not a medieval knight (look it up). The “good ol’ days” as it was so nicely put are not dead; you just have to take a little more of an active role in the game that is attraction. You don’t want a doormat, which is what a man who tries to show chivalry is mistaken for nowadays, resulting in someone polluting my ears with the phrase “girls don’t like nice guys.”

Guys, it’s not that girls don’t like nice guys. It’s that the term “nice guy” means that you have no self-esteem and are unwilling to make the first move. Remember, at some point, you’re actually going to have to hit on her because if you talk about puppy dogs and ice cream the whole time you’re going to end up in a friend’s realm and that will almost always end in no coitus for you.

Consequently, it’s no secret that most meaningful deep relationships start off in a friendship (this takes much time and commitment and also goes against our move-fast agenda).

The overwhelming message here is that, in order to move fast, which we’re doing because Hollywood tells us to, you have to connect on a deeper level. So if you were to fake a connection, by say, COLD READING THEM, you may get somewhere a little faster. (This works on both sides, trust me.)

Now that I have managed to sound like a complete jerk, I’d like to end by trying to redeem myself in the eyes of the opposite sex. So I’m going to donate my very large Collegian salary to the kitten/sick orphan shelter just south of town because lets face it, I do care.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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