Autumn – I love it. Overpriced textbooks, freshly issued noise violations and upper classmen screaming “FRESHMEN” at any person walking down the street late on a Friday or Saturday night.
More importantly, the season marks the start of the football season and the baseball playoffs.
Now, I’m no sports journalist. In fact, I’m not really a journalist at all. But let’s just look past that. I’m about to put to rest the age-old question: Who is better, Yankees or Red Sox?
To truly understand this question we need to look at what has been happening. The Sox clearly can’t keep up this year; the Yankees are just too good. But Boston does have another great team that would beat the Yankees hands down: The Patriots.
A lot of people would find it odd to argue about a fictitious match-up of two teams that don’t even play the same sport. But those people don’t have their own column, do they?
So sit back, relax, and let me take you through a point-by-point analysis of the greatest sports rivalry that never existed.
Patriots: The New England Patriots have been the most dominant team of the new millennium in any sport, period. They have everything a team needs to transcend the sporting world and become a pop-culture phenomenon along with the likes of the Macarena: a mad genius coach (Bellicheck), a cover model captain/spokesman (Brady), and an adorable mascot (Flutie – who recently retired, bless his heart). We mustn’t overlook the fact that for 30 years they were the Barney Fife of the National Football League, deeply cared and rooted for, but ultimately, harmless.
Yankees: No organized group of human beings has dominated on the level of the New York Yankees since the Romans. They have done everything short of raping, pillaging and burning down opposing stadiums upon exit.
Advantage: While it seems obvious to award this to the Yankees, due to my deeply rooted Boston heritage, I declare this a tie.
Yankees: The Yanks have Donald Trump and Jack Nicholson. This means that Nicholson is both a Yankees fan AND a Lakers fan, which is irrefutable proof of one thing: he is the bastard lovechild of Josef Stalin and Adolph Hitler. Quite the image.
Patriots: The Pats had Ben Affleck, but it is common knowledge that he has been disowned by the city of Boston like a pregnant lesbian by her Baptist parents. They also have Jimmy Fallon but he also claims to be both a Yankees fan as well as a Red Sox fan, which not only makes him a walking contradiction, but also mildly retarded.
Advantage: This is like comparing STDs with one of your drinking buddies. You both lose, big time.
Patriots: I am just going to assume that Tom Brady donates half his salary to sick orphans. It is common knowledge that nothing will improve your touchdown to interception ratio like donating to sick orphans.
Yankees: Derek Jeter has nailed every notable female celebrity of the last 10 years. While this does wonders for street credibility, treatment for venereal diseases has been known to decrease your slugging percentage.
Advantage: My initial instinct is to award this to the Patriots. However, due to the fact that I don’t care for orphans and Jeter’s ability to continuously trade in his girlfriends for younger, newer versions, I’m calling it a push.
Patriots: Five years ago you would have regarded a person walking down the street with a Patriots hat the same as a freshman girl walking between dorms on Saturday morning with smeared makeup and, uh, “messy” hair. We’ll call it feigned sympathy.
Yankees: No team’s apparel is worn by more rappers and suburban white kids, the gold standard for sports merchandising success.
Advantage: This would have been a slam-dunk had it not been for overexposure solely by Turtle from “Entourage.” Even.
If you’ve been keeping score you would see that it has been even across the board. Since it’s my column and I think the Yankees suck, I’m awarding the victory to the Patriots.
Did you hear that, too? That’s funny, it kind of sounds like the letter to the editor inbox just filled up. Huh.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears occasionally in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.