(U-WIRE) KENT, Ohio – At the end of last semester, I was reading the reflections of graduating students in the Stater, and it occurred to me that these ruminations would be more helpful to incoming freshmen than anyone else. I know what you’re thinking: “Freshmen? Listen?” With an attitude like that, probably not. On that note: Freshmen, listen.
Here’s what I’ve learned at Kent:
Racism is far from dead.
Men really are pigs.
People who call themselves socialists usually want something from you.
A bad class for you does not a bad teacher make.
Freshmen girls drink free at most parties.
Freshmen have a higher percentage of sexual assaults reported than returning students.
Many so called ‘date-rape drugs’ can be manufactured in the average household sink.
Fake I.D.’s will not hold up under scrutiny.
It’s possible to write a paper in three hours.
Papers written in three hours aren’t good.
Most teachers won’t accept assignments on a disk or CD, yet it costs seven cents a page to print anything on Kent’s campus.
Someone with a printer is a good friend.
Sleep is more important than you think.
Beer isn’t food.
Parking is impossible.
Your first parking ticket is free.
Cross-campus classes with a fifteen minute break: bad idea.
If you’re good at something, don’t stop.
You’ll do bad in at least one class.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
A hangover during class is worse than any hangover.
Everyone knows what marijuana smells like.
A cup of coffee and a cigarette doesn’t constitute breakfast.
Room temperature pizza isn’t as bad as you would think.
Feminism is about equality, not about matriarchy triumphing over patriarchy.
Most matriarchists think they’re feminists.
Your past will haunt you if you let it.
Living a lie takes an enormous amount of effort and perseverance.
You will meet people who are gay.
You will meet people who have different majors than you.
Treating anyone different because of the previous two is silly.
Vote. For anybody.
If you don’t like to get up in the morning, take later classes.
When they turn off the fountain for the winter, you won’t look cool sitting on top of it.
Your cell phone rings in class: You look like a fool.
Your cell phone rings in the library and you answer it: You look even worse.
Credit cards are not free money.
Bankruptcy sounds worse than it is.
Pets are expensive.
Commas cannot be inserted wherever you please; there are rules for these things.
A second opinion: never a bad idea.
So, freshmen, enjoy this first year. Here’s hoping you make it to the second.