Here you are, about to embark on this wonderful journey called college. Welcome. We’re glad you’re here. Or at least we’ll be glad until you are standing around, lost and getting in the way of bikers and we are forced to run you over.
But while you are recovering from your injuries, you can just think of it as a lesson learned.
However, the learning won’t stop there. Oh, no – you have much to learn here at this fine institute of higher education. As a senior, I feel that I should take it upon myself to help you along your way.
Lesson No. 1: Be nice to your parents.
Even though you’re free from their reign of terror for at least four years, assuming you make it all the way through, they will still buy you things and take you to dinner occasionally, if you let them. You might not realize it, but unencumbered freedom does have its drawbacks, chiefly among them, monetary cost.
College is the only time in your life when it’s socially acceptable to be poor, however, it is never socially acceptable to invite people over if you have no toilet paper.
Be nice to your parents, call them, ask for their advice, and they will return the favor by keeping you stocked with life’s necessities, which do include toilet paper. And also Easy Mac, because you really can’t eat residence hall food forever.
Which brings me neatly to lesson No. 2: You should probably go to the gym.
The Freshman 15 is not a myth, but a cold hard truth. Especially if you eat a lot of cold, hard ice cream, as many of you will want to do. Of course, by the end of the year your hall may be serving shredded taco lettuce instead of salad, so there’s always the starvation route, if you feel so inclined. But I don’t recommend it, because you may lack the strength to even wake up and go to class. And while we’re on that note.
Lesson No. 3: Go to class.
Strange, but true – going to class will actually ensure that you will get good grades. I know it’s hard when your loft bed beckons so invitingly, your Playstation 2 looks at you like a neglected child, or that hot individual across the hall wants to stay out until 2 a.m., and if you don’t go you will never be cool again. I know.
But if you don’t go to class, your parents (or you) will be wasting a lot of money, and that’s not very nice, now is it?
Now we’ve come to lesson No. 4, something I have been very successful with, having embraced the tenets of lesson number four immediately upon entering CSU.
The “real world” that is supposedly waiting for you after high school graduation does not exist anywhere other than on MTV. At CSU, we embrace the good things in life, like wearing pajamas to dinner, walking around barefoot, and playing with sidewalk chalk on the Plaza. CSU is not the big, scary “real world” so try to have some fun. But it’s also not “Survivor” and you can’t vote out your roommate. So try to get along, kids.
So, to sum it all up: Be nice to your parents, work out occasionally and go to class. If you follow my infinite wisdom, you’ll do just fine. Unless I run you over with my bike first, in which case I’m very sorry.
Hilary Davis is a senior technical journalism major. Her column will run on Wednesdays in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.