Seeing as though the semester is winding to an end, I wish to reflect on some of the newsworthy events that occurred during the course of this semester. To spruce things up, I will treat this tribute to Spring 2006 as a hypothetical awards ceremony.
Best Punch Line Award:
Dick Cheney rarely gives us something to laugh about. Shooting a fellow hunting buddy in the face, however, was an exception to the rule. His trigger-happy ways gave inspiration to comedians suffering from writer’s block. In case you missed some of the shots, metaphorically speaking, taken at Cheney, let me refresh your memory:
Jon Stewart on urging parents not to let their children go hunting with the vice president: “I don’t care what kind of lucrative contracts they’re trying to land or energy regulation they’re trying to get lifted… He’ll shoot them in the face.”
David Letterman on finding WMDs: “Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It’s Dick Cheney.”
Best “Humanilebrities” Award:
Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for becoming “humanilebrities” – a term coined by VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” which morphs humanitarians and celebrities into one. Along with their kids, the couple has kept busy traveling the globe under the banner of humanitarianism. I hope this trend will catch on in Hollywood – much like buying ugly Chihuahua dogs.
Most Kooky Celebrity Award:
Jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch is the least of Tom Cruise’s worries. He should be more concerned about wanting to eat his baby’s placenta and umbilical cord – or at least he stated so much in an interview. Let’s just hope he does not get salmonella. Apart from turning to cannibalism, Tom has called Matt Lauer a “jib,” publicly criticized Brooke Shields for taking medicine for post-partum depression and gone on a PDA (public display of affection) tour with a woman whom appears to be his daughter.
Most Purchased Flag Award:
After the Muhammad cartoon controversy, Denmark saw business profits plunder as many Muslim countries placed embargos on Danish goods, mobs ransacked Danish stores and agitators torched several embassies. However, as one that always sees the glass half full, I wish to point out that at least the flag industry scored big. I cannot think of anytime in history when more Danish flags were bought throughout the Muslim world. Granted the flags were used as doormats and shish kabobs, this still does not take from the fact that fundamentalists were the flag industry’s biggest contributors.
Best Birth Control Advocate Award:
While it’s nice to see celebrities with a bit more meat on their bones, Hollywood baby-mania is starting to put serious strains on the earth’s carrying capacity. Britney, let’s remember the lessons of economist Garrett Hardin’s tragedy of the baby commons: popping out one baby after another will only add to our existing population problem and over-exploitation of mushy Gerber food.
Worst Forwarder Award:
Rep. Jim Welker
If you come across any racist or inflammatory forwards, do not be surprised if they came from Rep. Welker. This last legislative session, Welker was grilled for forwarding an e-mail to fellow lawmakers claiming that African Americans deserved being wiped out by Hurricane Katrina on the basis of their laziness and immorality. Maybe Welker should stick to illegally selling off cell phone records – at least in that department he does not discriminate between black or white, rich or poor.
Biggest Sore Loser Award:
If you already find yourself suffering from the “Decider’s” sustained, unapologetic blunders, just be thankful you are not Italian. During his reelection campaign for prime minister, Berlusconi compared himself to Napoleon, Jesus Christ and swore publicly to abstain from sex until Election Day. After the ballots were in and Berlusconi clearly lost, he refused to accept defeat. Even with the Italian Supreme Court arguing in favor of his opponent, Berlusconi refuses to step down. Meanwhile, Italians can only grab their heads and cry, “Mamma mia!”
Luci Storelli-Castro is a junior double majoring in political science and philosophy. Her columns run every Wednesday in the Collegian.