The horror, the horror!

May 012006
Authors: Tyler Wittman

I’m going to cut straight to the chase here and hit you all with some serious knowledge in the form of one-liners, acquired over the past four years here in the Fort.

Dude. How will everyone fare without me next year? Fear not, young pilgrims, for my parting words in this column shall both comfort and afflict your athirst souls!

People take up the strangest causes, like “Don’t eat farmed fish.” “Do you have a minute for the environment?” really means “Do you have a check for the environment?” Hartshorn can misdiagnose something like a life-threateningly bruised and swelling trachea as “just stress.” Residence hall food is really good, especially after you move off campus. Halo is the new golf; men everywhere better start honing their game. No one knows what Celiac’s Disease is.

Ram athletics are in dire need of a makeover, especially the punch lines that are basketball and football. Concerning the latter, I would’ve worn a brown bag over my head during the San Diego State game this year if I had one.

Morgan Library doubles as an adult arcade and everyone seems to be fine with it. Apparently, the “quiet areas” in the library mean “quiet until you receive a phone call, which you should answer immediately and proceed to have a lengthy conversation about how much beer you drank last night loud enough for everyone within a mile to hear.”

Tolerance only extends to the tolerant. Free speech apparently doesn’t mean free speech when it offends the wrong people. There are morons with Ph.D.s.

People are often surprisingly glib about that which they protest the loudest. Most, but not all of your RAs and hall directors are victims of an extensive, university-sanctioned brainwashing process.

There’s a picture of Hitler, Franco and Stalin hanging in the parking services office somewhere (this is more of a theory than acquired knowledge).

Uggs are Uggly. One in three girls drives a Jetta. Five out of five guys should never wear sleeveless shirts. Text-messaging incessantly in class magically makes you completely oblivious to the fact that everyone around you curses the day your parents decided to “try.” Every belief and cause has a whole number of idiots that’d love to prove it to you.

Just a few questions: What’s with the endless sea of bikes and lawnmowers on Meridian Avenue? Why do we have a women’s water polo team and not a Division I hockey or lacrosse team (no offense)?

How do we go from having 311 in concert to Yellowcard? I believe in the ’70s Johnny Cash played for CSU. Now we have Yellowcard.

Last thoughts CSU (I can hear the sighs of relief): Think for yourselves, recognize bias in your professors and texts, and challenge it. Delineate facts from opinions, philosophies, ideas and theories. Sheep simply believe what they’re told, but not Rams (the human variety). Yes, that was cheesy. Make no mistake about it, a well-rounded education is created, not received.

So, four years and I’m done. I apologize if I’ve ever been mean, hypocritical, rude, angry, impatient or any other vice to anyone in person or otherwise. I do not, however, apologize if I’ve offended you with this column. I do apologize if I haven’t.

Thank you for reading this column or sending me hate mail – it makes it worthwhile (we don’t do it for the money). What does the future hold? Perhaps I’ll make a career out of discrediting Scientology (as soon as those psychiatrists start paying me), or Islam (having to change my name every few years), or any other cult (so many to choose from!). For the time being, I’m going to seminary and finding myself a southern belle and then I’m going to Disneyland!! A cruce salus, Deus vobiscum.

“The truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it, but there it is.” -Winston Churchill

Tyler Wittman is graduating with a degree in speech communication. This is his final column, blah, blah, blah.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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