This time of year, I always find myself dreaming of life without school. As final exams approach and I sit writing one of my endless research papers, dreams of summer dance in my mind.
That’s when I call my parents to get a bit of a reality check.
For the past week, the most exciting thing happening back home has been a battle with a clan of woodpeckers attacking my house. Before you get too excited, you need to realize that none of the woodpeckers involved are named Woody nor do they have a cool, infectious laugh.
Every time I talk to my Dad, he tells me about the “aircraft carrier”-sized birds that have truly taken over my parents’ life. They have skipped meals so they can go buy new and exciting windsocks to scare the birds away; They wake up before sunrise so they can scare the birds away by making as much noise as possible.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is going to be my summer. My parents, waking me up in the early morning, yelling and clapping like crazed football fans; I guess it’s kind of like a riot, but without the kegs and flaming couches.
Going back home for a few months is always an interesting experience, one that many college students look forward to and dread at the same time. Living two lives is an experience unique to college students and secret agents, a sensation that can lead to a few mix-ups when we go home.
So, as a service to my readers in my last column of the year, I am going to give you a brief “How to Go Home Guide” to avoid a few family faux pas. The transition home may be a little tough, but with these helpful hints, the transition should be much more smooth.
1. When sitting at the dinner table with your family, don’t start yelling, “Chug, chug, chug!” as your grandma drinks her iced tea. First of all, it’s not very classy, and secondly, you would hate to make her swallow her dentures.
2. Don’t knock on your parents’ door at 2 a.m. to see if they want anything from Taco Bell or Wendy’s. Although you share a house with them, they are not like your CSU roommates.
3. Be prepared to “check in” in the evenings because once you are home, you are officially back on your parents’ radar.
4. Eat. Eat as much as you can because good home cooking has one requirement: being home.
5. Make sure to wash your dishes and throw out your old pizza boxes. Your mom, unlike your roommates, will care about excessive mold growing throughout the house.
6. Leave your laundry in strategic locations that will allow your parents to throw a load or two in for you, possibly mixing your laundry in with theirs to ensure their help.
With these handy tips we will be prepared to head home for a few relaxing months. As this will be my last column this year, I just want to thank anyone and everyone who has read my column. Have a happy and safe summer, and Go Rams!