Fear! Doom! Cupcakes!

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Apr 192006
 
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

I have three articles left before I graduate and fade into the writhing mass of humanity. I could use this time to reflect on the meaning of life and my time at college, but as a member of the media I am obviously serving the public better by spreading fear and general unease to the best of my abilities.

Plus it will give me one last chance to have the phrase “roboty annihilation” published.

I’ve spent most of my time in classes learning how the world will end. That may sound weird for an English major, but it’s fully explainable by the presence of wireless high-speed internet and the general short attention span I have for being mentally in all my classes. Bless you, Wikipedia.

My focus on the end of the world will feature fear, general anxiety and vaguely unreliable sources. This, my friends, may be the most momentous piece of journalism ever produced.

Let’s start with my personal favorite – robot doom. Hollywood has always shown the robots that will slay us as humanoid, gun-toting rebels. They turned evil for two reasons – humans are weak and make funny noises when squeezed hard enough, and because red LEDs automatically make anything evil.

Hollywood has it all wrong. The robots that will destroy the world are going to be small and have one motive – sex. Well, tiny robot sex. They’re called nanites, and they’re mostly hypothetical microscopic robots who break down matter to make more of their bad robot selves. These little buggers could cover the world, very soon, so you should be afraid, especially of science.

Then there’s the touchy subject of religion. There’s two ways this can go down. First, the various religions can just blow the hell out of each other (literally – purge the evil with explosives) until the earth is a desolate sulfur-fumed fiery wasteland. Entirely unlike Hell.

The second way is for the divine higher-ups to just cut out the middle-mankind and end the thing themselves. It doesn’t really matter which god does this – none of them plan to end the world with a rain of cupcakes from the sky and a plague of puppies upon the earth.

Of course, your god is almost certainly the right one, so you will be protected when Earth is purged of more than five billion heretics. Still, they could be dangerous, so make sure you are living in a constant state of fear.

There’s just one more doom that will almost certainly engulf the planet – anti-famine. World hunger used to be a problem, but as America’s more than 70 percent overweight population proves, that problem is long since gone.

The problem now is the craftiness of the average food product. They look innocent, glistening with sugars and fats and caramel and just the right amount of glaze and OH GOD I MUST HAVE 12!

They will find us in our homes as we lounge on the couch, and we will have no choice but to eat them in self defense, so make sure you are terrified of the foods that lurk in the dark places.

Alternatively, fear the media. At least enough to pay attention.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs for two more Thursdays in the Collegian. Then he will likely be faced with robotic annihilation.

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