I’ve been playing paper, rock, scissors with myself for the past week over whether or not to publicly admit my guilty pleasure: being a fan of the earlier Eminem.
It’s not usually very hard to identify one of my type; simply pulling up next to one of us at a red playing that song “Lounge” off the Slim Shady LP will do it. If you look over and see the head slowly start to bob and the lips begin to tremble after a good five 360-degree turns of the head to check for anyone they know, you’ve nabbed ’em.
Being a closet Marshall Bruce Mathers III fan does not, however, prevent one from noticing the humor this man’s career has provided the entertainment world. The fact that he’s no doubt personally offended so many people in and out of the entertainment world alone should earn him a star on the Hollywood strip and maybe a few knocks in the face to go along with it.
The funny thing is, he’s probably written more songs with randomly placed lyrics about how offensive he is than anyone else.
Is this the trait of a badass lyricist or of one who struggles to rhyme in his old age of 33? Even a Slim Shady hater certainly knows the man has no problem with his rhymes; he just likes to talk about himself.
For all you die-hard fans though, how about the latest gossip between him and his most often offended ex-current-ex-wife Kim? In case you haven’t heard, and if I’ve heard, you’ve definitely heard: the two got back together for a lengthy and trying 83 days after being divorced for nearly five years.
Now Kim apparently claims the two’s most recent dispute/divorce revolved around Em’s addiction to the same sleeping pills he supposedly went to rehab for last summer.
Of course, not all the details are known or ever will be about why the two decided to rekindle old flames, but the question that needs to be asked is: “Kim, have you ever taken even a second to sit down and listen to one of your ex-man’s albums?”
Because it would seem to me if the guy you’re promising to love until death do you part is writing the kind of lyrics about you that he has, you might want to take a second and reassess the situation. How about if he names a freaking song after you and ends it with the soothing words of: “Now shut the f*ck up and get what’s comin’ to you, you were supposed to love me, now bleed! Bitch bleed!”
You may want to sit down and have a loooong conversation with him before re-fitting that ring for your finger. Of course, I’m no marriage counselor and live a long way from the whole ordeal, but as it looks from here, Kim, it just seems like a no-brainer: Run, run far away.
Ryan Skeels can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org