Apr 122006
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

People are actually turning hating liberals and conservatives into their entire careers. These Media Monsters have no discernable talents other than being rich and annoying – the political equivalent of Paris Hilton. How do these miserable excuses for societal waste survive?

The startling truth is this – they draw their dark life force from the forces that surround election season: the energy, the excitement and the eternal hatred for the liberals/conservatives that are trying to steal/destroy the country.

The Media Monsters feed off this energy and do their best to keep alive this pre-election climate of paranoid worry over the country’s decline and the irrational hatred for “the other side.”

Who, you might be asking, are these monsters? I can’t name names, but I’m sure if you were to reach up and scratch the Bill of your hat, you could Oh, Rally up at least one example, if you were Foxy enough. There’s bound to be Moore than one example.

They’ve done their best to keep the pre-election feeling alive, and it’s working. You can already hear the murmurs of 2008, the potential candidates and who the heck is the dirty flip-flopper this time. To be an informed voter you’ll have to dip your brain into the murky waters of national media and learn about the candidates.

But how can you tell if that water is safe, or if it’s filled with Media Monsters? The best way is to learn the signs of impending Monsterism, for which I’ve developed the following helpful test.

2008 Presidential Candidates number one – Jorge Bush and Richard Cheney

Monster response: Accusations that these two are really just George Bush and Dick Cheney with big fake disguise mustaches are filthy, liberal lies. What shows most is the strong leadership.

Other Monster’s response: This is clearly a conservative ploy to build a machine that converts votes into oil. Or possibly babies into oil. Or to get babies to vote for more oil.

The first Monster pretends to be taken in by the illusion created by the giant fake mustaches and claims that these candidates are not trying to sneak another term in. He will support his party even if someone were to run up to the podium and rip the mustaches off Richard and Jorge.

Monster number two has seen through the giant mustaches and into the horrors that wait at the edge of space-time. Clearly, rather than just being simple politicians, these two candidates desire naught but the destruction of all mankind.

2008 Presidential Candidates number two – Horrible Space Monster Intent on Devouring all Humans and Paris Hilton (Either as separate candidates or one long sentence)

Monster response: Such strong leadership. Say what you want about this candidate, but the American people know where they stand. That is, behind us, with a meat tenderizer and ketchup.

Monster number two’s response: At least it’s not the other guy.

When we listen to Media Monsters and allow them to foster their pre-election aura of spiteful divisiveness, perhaps being eaten by horrible space monsters and Paris Hilton would be a mercy.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Collegian. He is campaign manager for Cthulhu and Voldemort ’08 – “Strength. Leadership. A Clear Vision for our Country.”

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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