I tracked down Associated Students of CSU presidential and vice presidential candidates Jessica Lynn and Brett Dobinsky, and Jason Green and Sadie Conrad to get their opinions on important subjects in a rare, non-imaginary interview.
1. Recently, this campus has been sharply divided into two opposing parties, so there’s a question that’s on everyone’s minds. On which side do you fall – ninjas or pirates?
Jess: “Ninjas have catlike speed, stealth, and they hide in the darkness of night. Pirates just steal stuff. I’ll go with Ninjas.”
John’s Commentary – Jason and Sadie are clearly trying to pitch to both sides, a ruse that ninja honor or pirate pride will not tolerate. Jess is showing strong leadership on this divisive issue, but has alienated the pirate vote with her harsh words. Let’s hope she doesn’t end up walking the plank, politically.
2. Your opponent had fancy cheerleaders dancing on the plaza and/or free subs and ramen. How do you plan to gimmick your way to the top?
Jason: “We plan to have Top Secret Treats matching our theme.”
Jess: “We wanted to feed the students and have been handing out Ramen with catchy sayings.”
John’s Commentary: Those catchy sayings were, “Put the ‘Beef’ back in CSU” and, “Don’t ‘Chicken’ out – Ram the vote,” on packages of beef and chicken Ramen. As a vegetarian and hater of puns, I have to give this one to Jason. “Top Secret Treats” sounds like something that would double as a snack/blowtorch for James Bond.
3. There is some concern among students about ASCSU’s ability to handle university-wide emergencies. I’m going to list some emergencies and you just fire back with some effective solutions.
A. University-wide teacher strike.
Jason: “We would have total control. Also more time to study.”
Brett: “If the teachers are missing, they’re obviously holed up in the Ramskeller.”
B. R-O-U-S. Rodents of unusual size, native to the fire swamp, from the movie “Princess Bride.”
Jess: “Obviously, cancel school immediately. Then we need some barricades of marshmallow cr/me to keep them in the school. Then I think we need the ray gun from ‘Honey I Shrunk the Kids.'”
Brett: “Or that green goo that made the Ninja Turtles get so big, except make them small again, down to the size of normal rats.”
Sadie: “We’d try to find some majors on campus that could handle a ROUS. Animal science, food science, that sort of thing.”
John’s Commentary: For making a wall of marshmallow, Jess wins. For somehow connecting animal science, food science and giant rodents, Sadie loses my lunch.
C. Finally, there’s one danger that’s of grave concern to the student body and brains – zombie infestation. If your opponent was bitten by a zombie, would you have the courage to do what needed to be done?
Jason – “We’d of course first look for a non-violent solution.”
Sadie – “I don’t watch zombie movies because I’m afraid of them.”
Brett – “I’d do what had to be done.”
John’s Commentary: Jason and Sadie show mercy and compassion, admirable to humans, but delicious to zombies. Brett is the clear victor here, and a true leader for CSU against the undead.
Voting is April 3, 4 and 5 on RamWeb. Free food is on the Plaza until then.
Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the opinion section. He can’t believe he actually did an interview.