It’s almost impossible to go out in public these days without finding yourself completely surrounded by introverted individuals wearing little white earpieces that seem to completely remove them from society.
What wannabe corporate giant is cashing in on this musical fad? Apple. The company none of us had heard from in the last twenty years has finally forced its over-priced ways back into our homes and lives with their infamous product known as the iPod.
In order to fully understand the phenomenon that is the iPod, we must closely examine the history of its creator.
We can all remember the good ole’ days in elementary school with tetherball, chalupa Thursdays and the freedom to pick our noses whenever we wanted without having to worry about being judged. On top of disturbingly delicious foods and bloody nostrils, who can forget those old school Macintosh boxes that we wasted away our recesses playing Oregon Trail on?
Ah Oregon Trail – one of the few good things to come from Apple. This “educational” software taught kids all they would ever need to know about life. It was a perfectly accurate portrayal of what growing up really consists of: choosing whether to be a farmer, carpenter or banker, undergoing a treacherous journey filled with hunger famines and dysentery, only to later die from a cholera epidemic.
While the original Macintosh boxes may have had some fun games, the risk of having the machines spontaneously combust was far too great. There’s a reason you can’t buy those things anymore: the chances of having one burst into flames while innocently playing “Where In The World is Carmen San Diego?” was astronomical. I’ve even heard rumors that in order to save money and resources, the Air Force is now dropping Macintosh computers on the Middle East; I hope that’s not where Ms. San Diego is…
Apple has come a long way since the introduction of the exploding computer in the 1980’s however. With their colorful and “fun” laptops and desktops of the late 90’s, Apple began to cater to the computer illiterate. Their graphically oriented and easy-to-use machines boasted a drag, drop and pray for the best motto that revolutionized the computer industry.
The best part about owning an Apple was how easy they were to turn off. Instead of having to waste time and energy closing programs and pressing the hard to reach off button, Apple computers would just randomly shut down in the middle of use. On the “unlikely” occasion that they would actually freeze-up, restarting them wasn’t quite as easy: What was it now? Control, option, apple, escape, F303, ampersand? It was like playing a terrible, and, more importantly, clothed, game of Twister with your computer.
While I could continue to bedazzle you with nonstop one-liners about Apple, this isn’t a stand-up act, and I have to get back to the topic at hand: the iPod. While the idea of portable music and mp3s all coming together in one flashy device is a good one, the iPod is the antithesis of long-lasting electronics.
There is a reason why only the shadows of iPod users are dancing in Apple’s commercials: sudden and gyratic (it should be a word) motion will cause the fragile hard-drives to wear down and break. Not to worry though, it won’t happen to you until after your warranty expires.
Luckily for you, when your original iPod stops working, you can drop another $200 on a shiny new iPod Nano! More compact, and quite frankly, cuter, the Nano won’t wear down when shaken. It will, however, snap like a toothpick if put under any sort of pressure.
Another great thing about the Nano is that it’s known to overheat during use. If you’re shopping for a compact and sleek device that will randomly char your pants, destroy your playlists and ignite your pubic hair, then the iPod Nano might be right for you.
With competitors selling better-equipped and cheaper products, it’s obvious that iPod users “think differently.” These special individuals may not own a quality product, but at least they can look cool while wearing it. The iPod is a must for anyone looking to increase their social stature, attract much-needed attention and gain acceptance from their peers; but if anyone tries to befriend you while you’re using it, make sure to kindly tell them: “Hey, shut up! I’m trying to enjoy my iPod.”
Steven Gross is a senior finance real estate major. His column appears every Thursday in Verve.