Mar 082006
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Spring Break is a pretty stressful vacation. There's a sense of one-upmanship when it comes to asking what someone is doing for Spring Break, as in the following Totally Real Tea M example:

Gary: "So for Spring Break I'm touring all 50 states."

Mary: "That's nice for you. I'm going on a cruise in my own personal yacht."

Harry: "I'm going to the moon to gamble."

Gary: "Uh… I lied the first time. I'm actually traveling back in time to join in a Roman orgy."

The moral is that people whose names rhyme with 'Larry' are filthy liars. But Spring Break isn't supposed to be about the pressure of planning and the packing and the expense of it all, or about dozens of tests that await your return. Spring Break is about fun!

Hypothetically, let's say you're a college student and have no money. And let's say you've been busy with midterms and have been slacking and haven't planned a vacation. Or that your friends canceled on you. Or you want to cancel on your friends. Or you're bored in class and want something to look at that's not the professor.

If you can't afford to travel but want to anyway, the old classic still works – stow away. Just find a friend or attractive stranger who's going somewhere exotic, get one of those wheeled suitcases, zip yourself in it, and roll, inch by inch, into their pile of luggage. Then just sit back and enjoy the gentle care of professional baggage handlers.

Or, if you'd prefer not to die, you can just build your own plane. Instructions are available via Google. The Wright brothers did it just fine, and they got their high school diplomas! What's the worst that could happen?

Or, if you're still thinking you don't want to die, you could use the extra time to get things done. Make a list and organize it by priority then figure out some methods to achieve your goals. Plan to finish a scrapbook or apply for some scholarships.

Might as well add 'capture and breed unicorns' to your unlikely list. Anyone who has ever tried to use time off to 'get caught up' has instead used that time to sleep until 3 p.m. every day.

If you are stuck in Fort Collins, either through poor planning or a desire not to crash a home-built plane, keep in mind that the city has an exciting nightlife. And with that nightlife all gone on Spring Break, the city should have a creepy zombie-apocalypse feel to it. Pretend you're in your own little movie!

Except for the looting and head shots-that's still frowned upon.

Keep in mind there are benefits to simply staying in. You won't catch any exotic diseases from drinking water or regular diseases from drinking of the non-water sort. There won't be any stories of lost luggage or hassles from security.

For those of you smug punks who planned out a vacation and are eager to go, enjoy the break. Just occasionally slip a slice of pizza to the mysterious, wiggling suitcase that may end up traveling with you.


Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Collegian. For Spring Break, he is going to an alternate dimension made of pure bliss, energy and cookies.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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