RamTalk, John Answer

Feb 222006
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

RamTalk is a great way for total strangers to communicate about the important topics of our age; everything from the greatness of Chuck Norris to the horrors that dwell within the Morgan Library is held in equal regard.

Occasionally, someone in RamTalk asks a question. Tragically, their curiosity is overlooked as many Rams are too busy debating who dies faster – smokers or people who annoy smokers. Fear not, unanswered question-asker-people. I'm here to help.

So…who is Chuck Norris? And …Why is he kicking a round house? I'm so confused!!!

(Ram Talk, 2-3-06)

Chuck Norris is an action film star who was made famous by a synergy between madness and the Internet, where a series of jokes about him spawned. He is famous for his hatred of square architecture, and once kicked all the corners of a house, hence giving his signature kick its name.

Once, Chuck Norris was forced to fight his clone, and the resulting collision of roundhouse kicks created the universe. Chuck Norris was the only survivor.

The look of disgust on this girl's face as I spit into the grass today on my way to class made me realize how satisfying it can be to show a complete lack of socially acceptable behavior from time to time. (Ram Talk, 2-16-06)

You're right, brave rebel. Spitting on the ground is a great way to show what an individual you are. But why stop there? Spit in your car! Spit inside! Say, what about things other than spit? Soon you'll be just as much of a free spirited rebel as the fine collection of scholars that have taken up residence in the Morgan Library.

To everyone in large lecture classes – is it necessary to begin packing up all your stuff and moving the desks 30 seconds before class gets out? (Ram Talk, 2-14-2006)

Let's solve this one using simple math. Two hundred people in a big lecture class, times thirty seconds a day, times about four hundred days a year (rounding up), equals a total time savings of nearly six trillion hours. So remember, you're not just being petty and noisy, you're saving the time equivalent of nearly twenty human lives.

Does anyone else not care about the goldfish in the Lagoon? Why is that even an issue big enough to write about in a newspaper? (Ram Talk, 2-16-2006)

Goldfish are gold. Algae are green. The Lagoon shows Ram pride, and you are mean. RIP, frozen fishes.

Sliding my way to class on my bike yesterday I was feeling pretty sorry for myself – until I saw a man riding to class (through the snow) on a unicycle!!! (Ram Talk 2-20-2006).

That's nothing. I saw a guy on a unicycle, in the back of a moving truck, on fire, juggling three crying bear cubs while the mother chased him. On the plus side, that guy had no trouble finding a parking space. On the down side, he's dead.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Collegian. This column was printed on paper Chuck Norris made by cutting down trees with his beard.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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