Ram Talk

Feb 162006

Yesterday I saw the number one contender for this year's Darwin Award riding his motorcycle down Prospect while talking on his cell phone. Can anyone beat that?

Bicycles on ice…who's laughing now?

Kissing someone you like is like having Tinkerbell fly into your mouth.

Last night I peed in the lagoon to help keep the fish warm.

I was sitting in class today when the overpowering odor of garbage hit me. I looked around my immediate vicinity to discover a spilled latte, three banana peels, two apple cores and the remnants of a few oranges (not to mention countless newspapers and pop bottles). Since when is it OK to just throw garbage on the floor?

Well, I learned a hard lesson today. Bus passes expire! Am I in on the joke now? The driver took my pass away and gave me a gratuitous bus ride. As if I would have stepped off the bus to walk a good two miles in the snow? I think not.

I have the answer to our little goldfish situation in the lagoon: All you have to do is drop a single northern pike in there, and see what happens. It will be great. The animal rights people couldn't get mad because it will be in check with the food chain and circle of life. We will be rid of those goldfish and we will have a very happy pike on our hands.

Dear Non-hunter,

You really are a large unit from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. The size of one's unit has nothing to do with one having the fortitude to provide one's own sustenance. This as opposed to one who pays others to do their killing.

Signed PETA,

People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

Note to Ryan Chapman: I used to look forward to reading your conservative column as a breath of fresh air – that is until you started defending a jerk who beat his girlfriend. Bruises don't lie and assault IS illegal. Wanna talk about "rights" now?

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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