Feb 082006
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

I've often mocked Valentine's Day, poking fun at the commercialism, the horrible color scheme and the fact that it was based on pagan fertility rituals that were little more than an excuse to have lots and lots of sex.

This year, I'm going to take a totally different track, by which I mean the exact same one, and point out that Cupid is obese.

This fat little god of fly-by shootings is clearly sending the wrong message to the American people. Fatness is not okay, little deity. How many times must a camera crew do a dramatic zoom on someone's airstrip-sized rear?

Also, Cupid is a nudist. Not the good kind that make for raunchy teen sex comedies, but the other kind, that make for horribly awkward and unpleasant European vacation memories. Thankfully, modern tastes have draped Cupid in a plain white sheet, which conceals his shameful near-nudity.

So, implied nudity, violence and obesity. All Cupid needs to do is really piss off the French and he'd be a shoo-in to replace the bald eagle as our national symbol.

The holiday that was created by Cupid using his evil-love magic also promotes delicious indulgence. Candy lines every shelf and must be purchased by dutiful couples and the ritually consumed, regardless of calorie count or the horrors of carbohydrates. This is the only holiday where it's the not eating of the chocolate that causes guilt.

Oh, Cupid, why are you so cruel to us, your chosen people? A couple can agree to not participate in the madness, but deep down inside they both feel the same letdown that accompanies every Santa-less Christmas. Single folk can try their best to remain apathetic, but all that bravado is so much smoke before the rising warm breeze of Valentine's lust.

All we really need is for McBurger to do some cross-promotion thing, with burgers in the shape of a heart. I'm surprised no one has tried to coat the things in chocolate, and label them 'low fat' (see footnote – lower in fat than most concentrated fats).

In fact, I'm offering that right now. For five dollars, I will buy you a burger, coat it in chocolate, wait until you're 80, and scream "Boo!" at you from a dark corner. Satisfaction guaranteed or I'll buy myself something nice with your money.

But Valentine's isn't just about the indulgence, commercialism, obesity, heathenism, shattered expectations and wholesale exploitation of countries that export cocoa. Valentine's Day is also about VD. Says so right in the name. Every Feb. 14, more than 600,000 new clinical cases of VD are contracted (Source – Department of Reminding you to Practice Safe Sex through Lies and Fear).

Suddenly, Cupid's innocent little grin takes on a sinister meaning. Not that I'm implying any Freudian metaphors, but just how clean are Cupid's love arrows?

But if you're really, truly happy with someone, then I hope you can look past all the negative things Valentine's Day might have going for it and just enjoy being with each other. Also, 50 percent of all relationships end because of VD. (Source – Department of Confusing and Poorly Managed Acronyms).

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the opinion section. He hopes you all know that VD means STDs, in both ways.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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