Feb 012006
Authors: Steven Gross

(Editor's note: misspellings and grammatical errors are intended for the purpose of this column)

In business, timing is everything. When an entrepreneur comes up with an innovative idea, he or she has to get a prodigy patented and to the market before someone else does. In this fast-paced business world, no one has time to linger on proper diction and so-called "grammatics."

To be successful in business these days, it doesn't matter what your basic reading, writing or even mathematical skills are like. All that matters is who you know and how you plan on blackmailing them until you're at the top.

I don't have to be no English major in order to find a decent job. I want employers to hire me based on who I am at the individual level, not on my ability to place random letters together in a semi-coherent fashion.

In the business world, innovators are always looking for a faster, cheaper and easier way; this is exactly why spell check was invented. Business professionals shouldn't have to be bothered with the trivialities of elementary English; I'm sure that the ingenious individual who came up with spell check knew nothing about forming proper sentences, but was still fully capable of riding the back of a literate all the way to the top.

If spell check can't catch it, then it isn't an mistake. A true business leader wouldn't view typos as a threat, but instead view them as an opportunity to exploit; if spell check can be improved then fix it, patent it, market it, and profit.

A big "buzz" term in the business world today is innovation – new and revolutionary ideas are the key to dominating market segments. With this in mind, when I misspell a word, I'm not being illiterate; I'm being an entrepreneur. I should be praised for my ability to think outside the box and my refusal to be held down by the ancient constraints of the English language.

We can't look at the English language as black and white or right and wrong, that's for the closed minded – the grammatically elite. There's a gray area in the English language that only true innovators dare to travel upon; these renegade solecists shouldn't be penalized for their creative thinking, but rather praised and rewarded for their initiative and courage.

I've heard grammar mongers make the argument that spelling errors can destroy one's credibility. Sense when does having a few miner mistake in ones work cause an credibility issue? It doesn't matter weather you misspell a word hear or their or even commit the occasional syntactical faux pas – your not hurting anyone.

It's time to tear the English language down from its proverbial pedestal. It's time to rise up against the Church of Webster and take diction dictators out of their alphabetical place. It's time to give tyrant literates the linguistic lashing that they deserve.

So conjugate the masses, fellow remedial English dropouts; together our gross misuses of the English language and poorly constructed sentences will drive the grammatically proper back to exile in the facty wasteland known as Britannica Island. Our time is now fellow solecists; the revolution has began!

Steven Gross is a senior finance/real estate major. His column runs every Thursday in Verve.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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