Recently, there has been some talk about two reportedly unhealthy habits, one of which is legal, the other is not. Some say that one habit is Safer, whereas the other habit is a cornerstone of sporting events and social get-togethers.
I managed to 'get' an 'interview' with leaders representing interests in both habits. Good to have you here today, ladies, gentlemen.
Peat Coores: Good to be here today, Johnathan.
John: Thanks Peat. So, tell us about the time-honored and legal habit you represent.
Peat: Brick Juggling is a time-honored American pastime, to be enjoyed safely and in moderation, but never while driving. The arc the bricks make, the scent of brick in the air, it really brings a shine to any social gathering.
John: Excellent. Later I hope to cover allegations that Juggling Bricks may have some potentially negative affects on your health, such as blunt trauma and broken toes. For now, let's talk to Mary Jane, spokesperson for a highly controversial and illegal habit. Mary?
Mary Jane: My 'habit' has been around since the dawn of time, and has much less collateral damage than Juggling Bricks. Frankly, I encourage each and every college student, instead of Juggling Bricks at parties, to indulge in this ancient spiritual art – Devouring Pillows.
Peat: I'm sorry, Mary, but who in their right mind would want to devour a feathery, cloth covered Pillow?
MJ: Oh, you're making my mouth water just talking about the plush goodness. And I'll have you know that Feathers are all-natural, straight from Mother Nature. And it's a fact that no one has ever choked to death on a feather!
John: Interesting. I have statistics here that prove that Devouring a Pillow while driving could somehow impair your ability to drive, possibly by blocking vision. However, Mr. Coores, it's widely known that Juggling Bricks while operating any sort of heavy machinery causes over 80 percent of all deaths on earth.
Peat: I had never heard that before. Even microbes?
John: Especially microbes.
Peat: That's horrible!
John: That's because I lied. But Peat, no one is going to claim that Juggling Bricks is the healthiest thing they've ever done. Yet everyone knows that social gatherings without Bricks flying every which way are a boring waste of time. So, Mary, I have just one question for you – what exactly makes Devouring Pillows better?
Mary: Well, the sensation is more pleasant – the feathers going down the throat provide a tickling sensation that makes everything funnier.
John: Even unamusing things devoid of all comedic value?
Mary: Especially unamusing things devoid of all comedic value.
John: I see. So basically, you become a gibbering idiot, but you're healthier than Peat here, who enjoys circling Bricks near his poor, underused brain?
Mary: What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at this bit of tinfoil.
John: Inspirational. Final comments?
Peat: The fact that Juggling Bricks is legal makes it a good idea. Juggle responsibly.
Mary: Whatever one Devours in the comfort of one's own home is no one's business but one's. Whoa. I just blew my mind.
Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Collegian. He doesn't encourage the misuse of any substance, except this newspaper, which should be ground up and snorted.