By writing this article I realize I may be taking a vow of celibacy for the rest of my time at CSU, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
The mystery that is Oprah and the source of her superhuman powers must be unveiled. As a responsible and respected journalist, I feel it is my duty to keep the public informed.
Before the source of Oprah's awesome powers can be determined, we must first examine the effect she has on her unsuspecting viewers; the Oprah effect, as I so cleverly like to call it, can be found in the books viewers read, the clothes they wear, the products they buy and almost every other aspect of their daily lives.
Oprah isn't afraid to take on any issue threatening America; from starving children and battered spouses to making sure that her audience is wearing the right size bra; Oprah keeps her adoring fans informed and demanding more.
The Oprah effect is so large in magnitude that men across the country spend all day preparing for the dreaded 5 o'clock hour, as they are unsure what Oprah may deliver; a heartwarming love story that entices their significant other into making plans for a romantic evening, or an entire episode dedicated to signs that your loved one is cheating and a night full of accusations and broken glass.
Just how mighty is Ms. Oprah? She could single-handedly bring together Democrats and Republicans by starting her own political party and taking over the country with a landslide victory; once in power, Winfernites would only allow stores to sell Oprah's "Favorite Things," and her book of the week would be the only literature America could flip through.
With this kind of power how does she not use it for pure evil? If only others could figure out how to harness the mind-numbing power she has over women.
Perhaps it stems from all of the prizes she gives out to her studio audience. Could selflessly giving out gifts to random people induce God-like worship?
To indulge this theory, one must take into account the percentage of her wealth that is consumed by the gifts she so charitably gives out; Oprah giving out brand new cars to everyone in her studio audience would be like me giving out half a toothpick (maybe even mint-flavored) to an entire class. As invigorating as oral hygiene can be, I'm pretty sure this wouldn't qualify as a wildest dreams giveaway.
Some might argue that I'm just bitter and poking fun because I'm jealous – and they're correct. Oprah has her sheets washed daily just because she likes the "crisp" feeling. If that's not the good life then I don't want to know what is. The one thing I've always dreamed of growing up to be was an empowered woman.
Unlike her weight, Oprah's viewer base doesn't fluctuate uncontrollably, and in fact continues to grow at an alarming rate. With a daytime talk show, O Magazine and her very own TV network, Oxygen, Oprah is surely a force to be reckoned with.
While the true source of her mighty powers may remain a mystery forever, there is certainly no difficulty in succumbing to them.
Don't try and fight the urge to Oprah; Instead embrace it, and join the tradition of her 100 billion-plus fans every weekday by sitting on your warm cozy couch with a bundt cake, never-ending supply of Bon-Bons and enough misguided love to purchase every worthless product Oprah peddles your way!
Steven Gross is a senior finance real estate major. His column appears every Thursday in Verve.