Jan 232006
Authors: Tyler Wittman

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.


In today's exploration of the liberal species, we're going to try and dissect reason and logic to arrive at a better understanding of the liberal mindset. Of course, if there's one thing liberals can't stand, it's conservatives who tell them something they either don't want to hear or something painfully true.

This happens a lot and when it happens, there are always those who see it as their duty to retort. For the record, the terms "liberal" and "conservative" are used loosely, so just get over it.

Take the case of conservatives who still support the war on terror. Chided by their liberal counterparts for being blind followers of the "Fuhrer" (hip liberal slang for President Bush, likening him to Adolf Hitler – I wonder how Jews feel about this comparison), these conservatives are the ones most likely to have an encounter with a liberal that is worthy of a Steve Erwin special. There are numerous documented instances where the liberal, after labeling his/her counterpart a "chicken hawk," asks the conservative when they are going to join the armed forces. I find the logic and reason embedded within the proposition to be quite a curiosity, so let's explore it further.

We can deduce from the question that if you support the war on terror, then you are morally/ideologically under some sort of obligation to participate in said war. Interestingly enough, I have yet to find any specific precedent for this line of thought. Most liberals support abortion, yet they aren't out in the streets with vacuum cleaners, scissors and morning-after pills. Not all liberals who think we are arrogantly destroying nature are members of Green Peace. Most liberals who are against the war on terror have yet to join the Peace Corps. Most liberals upset at President Bush for the war on terror have yet to require the same accountability from their own senators who agreed to go to war with the same information before them as Bush had. Still, this is different, right? The same rules don't apply to conservatives and liberals, I suppose.

Regardless of your political affiliation, if you support the war on terror then you must either shut up or join the armed forces. In the interest of equal and fair treatment to all, however, I will have to ask that everyone commit their lives to everything that they support. If you are a hippie who supports not bathing and pot-smoking, please go live with monkeys (just not bears, someone recently had some bad luck with that one). If you are an ardent postmodernist, please stay in school for the rest of your life and cry about power relations and social constructs. If you don't believe in absolute truth, then don't ever claim to be right about anything ever again. If you don't support the war on terror, then commit your life to protesting the war until it's finally over. Harsh rules? Perhaps so, but I didn't make them.

Or there's the alternative where people grow up and stop telling those who support the war that they need to join the armed forces. For those of you who support the troops but not the war, how many care packages have you sent? If we're going to retort, let's have something worth saying. After all, I never told Clinton's supporters they needed to go buy a cigar and cheat on their wife.

Tyler Wittman is a senior speech communication major. His column runs on Tuesdays in the Collegian.

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