Have you ever gotten wood from your own toothpick stuck in your teeth and then needed to use another toothpick to get the wood out? I have.
Saturday night my roommate and one of his friends got a court summons for urinating behind the wall of the downtown police station; both were too drunk to realize they had selected the wrong place and time. Cop came out of the back door and caught them in the act … I am sure this can be counted as one of the most memorable events of their lives.
I propose a Ban on ALL Hippie drum circles unless they can play "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult. And, yes, that includes a cowbell solo.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
WARNING: Random herds of freshman may be meandering around town in the wee hours of the night. Use caution when approaching intersections.
Dude, those double glass doors in the entryway at Newsom…they're so heavy! I had to kick one open, and I thought I broke it. Heard this big "crack" sound.
To the guy who drove by Sunday telling me I'm beautiful: thanks. Sometimes we need to hear things like that.