Dec 072005
Authors: JP Eichmiller

In my opinion, there are two types of college students. There are ones here to gain an education in hopes of propelling themselves into a specific career. Then there are the ones postponing adulthood by taking six years to gain a major in basket weaving before pursuing their masters in dead poetry.

I consider myself the former, which is why I cannot wait for that day when I receive my overpriced piece of paper from the university (did you know that many a Web site offers the same product for a fraction of the price?). Alas, my time is still a year away, but I am witnessing the realization of this moment among others at the university.

I envy these people and the freedom they will soon enjoy. While fortune and fame may still be years away, graduates who have been toiling for years fulfilling unnecessary requirements toward their advancement in society will soon be able to pursue avenues relevant to their lives. No more cramming for a logic class that lacks any, the end of single meal days born out of the binds of poverty, say goodbye to 15-page papers started the night before they are due.

For the graduates who had to work their way through college, imagine all the free time you will enjoy. Did you know that most jobs require only a 40-hour workweek? Forty hours! That leaves you with an extra 128 hours to do whatever the hell you want. I recommend this for starters: find a seat at home, sip slowly on a 12-year-old bottle of scotch and do absolutely nothing. Go ahead, you've earned it! Whenever you decide to pull yourself out of the ass-crevice you have achieved in the couch, the world will still be waiting for you to conquer it.

There will, of course, be some things to miss from CSU. The first three involve the Ramskeller, but last I checked, it is still open to the public, so don't feel as though you have been locked out. Sporting events for free would be worth remembering if you have actually been at CSU long enough to remember us winning anything. Try to forget the food if you can, there are edible products out there lacking MSG and not soaked in lard.

Yes graduates, the world is your oyster, whatever that means. I sincerely hope you have made the most of your years in Fort Collins. The rest of the world can be a cruel, unforgiving place. You may be forced to take a job in Texas or some other third world country.

The job market is tough these days, so I hear. Luckily all those summer and winter breaks you spent working for free as an intern instead of returning to your hometown to relive the glory days will no doubt pay dividends. Logically, none of you would expect to gain employment simply through a degree and a professor's recommendation. If so, there is still time to enroll in that dead poetry masters program (only $40,000 more in loans last time I checked).

JP Eichmiller is the Collegian's editor in chief. He is just upset because he found out he won't be graduating on time and will be writing 15-page papers the night before they are due until eternity.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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