Due to the vagaries of the journalism business, this column is being written on Tuesday, with the election on Wednesday and the results yesterday. It would feel amiss to write about my usual doom in the form of robots, when economic doom hangs by but a slender thread over us all!
Since you know what I don't, please see the column that most closely corresponds with reality. Hey, pick the paper back up.
If referendums C and D pass:
Before we won this glorious victory, there were only forty-seven states between us and the top of the higher-education ladder. Now the sky's the limit! But we must be responsible with our newfound wealth. Fiscal conservation is the mantra from here on out.
To commemorate our commitment to living under our newly survivable budget, the Collegian should do its part by printing an additional thousand celebratory copies, which should then be dumped into the local waterways, thus giving back to the community.
Secondly, we should spend some of that sweet, sweet bling on solid gold diplomas. Or better yet, make the dorm cafeterias free and with an open bar. No, spaceships! Everybody gets a spaceship!
Excuse me. Wealth goes straight to my head. But we should all take a moment to thank those who made this possible – voters like you. Watching you go out and vote in such record numbers to send a message to the politicians that we cannot be ignored. And to think, some people were claiming college students were apathetic to their own financial plight.
Why, the idea that college students would not vote is simply laughable. I laugh at those who had the idea that the average Joe college student would be so benightedly stupid as to allow himself to lose many thousand dollars to sloth. Laugh! I for one would never, for a moment, believe such things!
If referendums C and D fail:
The End is here! Blood shall rain from the skies and the meek shall inherit the Earth!
Alright, everybody calm down. Just finish reading my article under your desk – duck and cover. It's effective against both economic ruin and nukes in equal measure. Alright, since you're on the ground anyway, look for loose change. Right now, that may just be a penny to you, but in a few years, it will be a sweet, coppery dinner.
Curse those taxpayers and heartless voters! Who could have guessed they would get out and vote against us helpless college students? Not that voting makes a difference anyway. It's just government and laws and stuff, nothing that affects us here in the real world. Plus I was really busy that day – and every day during early voting. And I'm afraid of mail-in ballots. Mailinballotaphobia. It's very rare.
The important thing is to survive, and to reproduce the decimated human race. The survivors must have as many children as possible! Those things are worth huge tax breaks.
Here's one idea – every time you have to eat Ramen noodles next year, punch a non-voter in the head.
Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Opinion section. He is very pleased with/disappointed in all of you.