Oct 262005
 
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

To make my transfer from the Entertainment page to the Opinion page official, I must first garner an audience. From what I've gathered, the best way to do this is to be as offensive as possible, so here goes.

Baby-loaf.

With that out of the way, naturally I'd like to talk about etiquette. Throughout history, etiquette has been the warming pillow lovingly smothering the socially graceless. Things were going smoothly until Al Gore invented the Internet in 1923, thus giving social malcontents a place to go and unlearn spelling and grammar.

Someone needs to fix this. Someone with a laser-like grasp of the situation and an inability to distinguish between his whims and plausible reality.

Internet Changing Etiquette Rule Number 1 – Abbreviations exist to convey information quickly, not to be substitutes for information. BRB is okay, because it lets people know you've gone to pee. ROFL is a flat out lie, as rolling on the floor laughing is unlikely to produce typing, unless you've got a keyboard down there for such an occasion.

ROFLCOPTERs, which against all odds are exactly what they sound like, are henceforth punishable by death.

A Startling Revelation about the Internet Number 2 – Chain letters cannot harm you, unless you forward them to someone who is particularly annoyed by them. Conversely, chain letters cannot give you love or money, unless you also incorporate some sort of pyramid scheme, which is as immoral as it is profitable.

While were on the subject of forwarding emails, let's discuss jokes. Sending a funny email to a few friends is a legitimate form of communication. "Here is something I enjoyed," you say.

Reflexively sending funny e-mails to everyone in the universe, while an impressive display of your technical ability says, "I have no more control than a puppy on a centrifuge."

E-etiquette Number 3 – I'd like to address the producers of e-advertisement for a moment here. You who created pop-ups, pretend-prize winning games, and the subliminal flash before every IM. I have some very important advice on how to increase the size of your readership base. It's available cheap, without having to go to a pharmacy. And it really works!!!

First, wad up this piece of paper. Then eat it. Repeat until the paper reaches your brain. This will stimulate the profit-neurons.

These three rules should be a good basis on which to make sure the Internet behaves perfectly forever and ever. I have every faith that, if we all work together extra hard, we can clean up the fifth of a percent of the Internet that isn't riddled with porn.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Collegian. He has sworn not to use his columnist powers for his own political agenda, and would certainly never tell you how you should. VOTE, YES or no, ON REFERENDUMS C AND D.

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