Theory: This is a Title

Oct 062005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Theory: This is a Title

If there's one thing the sensitive issue of evolution in schools needs, it's for someone to come in and explain, using simple and caring words, why everyone is stupid.

I'm here to help. I will draw upon my vast background in both biological sciences (I've seen "The Land Before Time" like sixty times) and theology (a priest spilled his soda on me – that counts as a baptism). And I will not rest until everyone is confused and angry!

The origin of the question of our origin dates all the way back to our questionable origins. There are three schools of thought as to how this came about.

First is evolution – the idea that everyone and everything is all some catastrophic chain of chemical reactions, like a slow, gooey explosion. There's also some stuff about how death is useful for the species. Evolution is so emo.

Second, there's creation, which is the idea that something floaty and bored made us and probably spends a lot of time cheesed at us for mucking up our pretty world. Creation is based on scripture and tradition and faith, which gives them a hefty advantage in debates.

Science: "…in conclusion, we're about six chromosomes from being pointless, hairy monkeys. Life is pain."

Ye Olde Religione: "God says you're wrong. Also he says to shut up and that no one really likes you, they're all pretending."

Third, there's intelligent design. It's a complicated theory, and I shall do my very best to do it crazy amounts of justice. Basically, complex things have creators – watches have watchmakers, and people are lots more complicated than watches, so they must have a Creator too.

Since that Creator is complex, logically, he must also have a CReator, who in turn has a CREator. Once you're run out of letters to capitalize, you've reached the top of the chain and can stop wondering where stuff came from.

The problem is, which one to teach in schools? Scientists will claim the theory emo-lution is entirely right and everyone doesn't understand their pain. But some people have the whacky idea that the theory of evolution is just some theoretical idea.

This is simply not the definition of theory. Gravity isn't a theory – it's a fact. Try dropping a pencil. Gravity, right? Now try creating life from primordial atmospheric gasses which then evolve into complex organisms. See? It's a fact!

If we were going with the insane notion that science is full of theories, why, students would have to apply critical thinking to everything they learned! No, things that are theories need to clearly be labeled such. Students have a right to know when to turn their minds on and off during the school day.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Verve.

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