Sep 282005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Breakup Method Plusses Minuses
In person Direct, respectable. Requires nigh-imaginary levels of emotional maturity.
Singing telegram Classy, hilarious when videotaped. Perhaps too classy. Might accidentally win them back.
Handwritten note Sincere and old fashioned. Temptation to write the note with Sharpe on a body part.
Therapy Gives appearance of effort. Costs more than non-effort.
AIM Out of stabbing range. Karmic earning of stabbing.

In keeping with my New Year's resolution to always begin every article with fresh, innovative ideas, I offer the following: You suck, relationships!

In the past I've given careful instructions on how to achieve perfect happiness in a relationship without sparing myself a single thought to the other half of the relationship cycle – death. Or, wait, I meant "breakup." That's breakup tip #1 – as little death as necessary.

Actually, that's breakup tip #2. Breakup tip #1 is, "Have a relationship." If you try to break up with someone you are not technically speaking or dating, things can get a little awkward. Like so.

Billy: "It's not you, it's me. Specifically, me cheating on you."

Mandy-Sue: "You're that guy from that party, right? Ted something?"

All right, so that's breakup tip #1. We'd better keep going at this chronologically, or these tips will get all out of order.

Breakup tip #4 involves the pre-breakup game plan. You don't want to go into getting out of this thing unprepared. First off, figure out if you have married this person. Check for rings and a beer gut. If you see either, find yourself a lawyer and give it a solid whack with your car. Now that it knows who is boss, have it (all lawyers are genderless) look over whatever form of physical bonding represents your spiritual chains.

You should now be caught up with the unmarried, so prepare for tip #5 – secure your stuff. Breakups are like a garage sale in that it's very likely your stuff will end up all over the front lawn while loitering strangers gawk at your misery.

It can be tricky to get all your valuables out of the house without arousing suspicion. The best way to do this is to be "robbed." When she/he asks why only your stuff is missing, simply explain that all his/her stuff was simply too awful to be worth robbing. That'll learn 'er/'em!

This brings us to breakup tip #8 – petty sniping. You know you don't like this person, but you also are still under the protective veil of the relationship. Guys, I know you're thinking that this passive-aggressive complaining isn't your forte, but you're actually much better at it than you think. If you need some pointers, compare her to old girlfriends, or, better yet, her mother.

By now you should be in a good position to pop this thing like a zit, without getting caught in the backlash of the horrifying mystery mush. The question is – how? This is the fun part! Consult chart 5-A. You will be quizzed next Thursday.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Verve.

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