Sep 212005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

In keeping with my New Year's resolution to yell at things I can't control rather than attempt productivity, I offer the following: You suck, Hollywood!

I spent the weekend watching movies and seething. Average Chris would spend a million bucks on important things like cars and bling. Average Hollywood K-riss would take that same million and ask himself, "Why hasn't anyone made a Mega Man movie?"

Because they'd find a way to take a terrible premise and make it even more horrible, that's why. A Mega Man movie would probably be about one teen robot's quest to master windsurfing while his oppressive creator forces him to save the stupid world. It would star someone from "Malcolm in the Middle," and the tag line would be – "He can beat the Robot Masters, but can he master… his heart?"

We've got to stop this before even more money is wasted. By "we," I mean me, and by "stop," I mean continue to yell.

Here's a short list of things that have been done wrong and that I never, ever want to see anyone do again.

If you are a hero and have a gun pointed at the villain, and the villain says, "Ah, but you couldn't possibly kill me," say, "You're right," and shoot him in the foot. It's really hard to go on a murderous rampage/take over the world/ruin prom if your foot has been blessed by St. Glock.

A few more firearm basics – guns are distance weapons. This means their strengths are not best utilized while standing right next to a known martial arts master. I'm looking at you, action movie extra!

Also, if the bullets from a machine gun are slowly chasing the hero rather than making him holier than the pope, remember to aim for him, not his shadow.


I say no more guns for Hollywood until actors can pretend to use the real thing responsibly. The next time the Govenator needs to unleash a hail of gunfire, he's just going to have give his best finger-gun and go, "Bang! Bang! Bang!"


Speaking of horrible acting, my next soy-beef is with romantic comedies. Here's a genre that would be an exception to my gun-free policy, because if there's one thing romantic comedy needs, it's for something to happen.

Here, let me write one really quick.

Jen: "I'm quirky!"

Eric: "I'm far too busy with my workaholic lifestyle to be quirky today."

Jen: "I'm cute, too. Look at me dancing in the rain!"

Eric: "You're right. Let's shag in a romantic fashion."

Jen: "Surprise! I'm not crazy-quirky, I'm crazy-crazy. Eat lead!"

Eric: "How romantically lethal!"

There, and way cheaper than Hollywood could produce, even if I printed it on delicious honeyed gold.

Join me next time, when I fix Disney movies, docudramas and reality television using vicious cage fights. Scrooge McDuck versus Donald Trump – the winner will be the audience!


 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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