According to recent sources

Sep 142005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

The taxpayers will have two choices when it comes to funding higher education – either destroy it, or allow legions of well-trained but cheap graduates to replace them.

Sure, educated workers are the backbone of society, and sure, some doctors claim you need a backbone. This is a filthy lie. Doctors come from universities, and hence will try to protect their ancestral nesting grounds, which is silly because taxpayers know better than doctors when it comes to spines.

So when they come for our spines, how's this going to go down? What will happen in the weeks, months and years after tuition goes up 40 to 50 percent? If you run out of money are your shoes really edible? Isn't someone with amazing psychic powers going to predict and solve these problems before they ever occur?

Answer 1: Yes.

Question 2: If tuition goes up that much, how will I afford to not die?

Answer 2: Instead of their original vision of an honors residence hall for super-brains, CSU will build new ultra-low cost residence halls entirely out of week-old dining hall food. "Durable and edible!" will be the project's slogan.

Worry 3: What about the quality of education? Won't that spiral 'round and 'round toward a flushy finish?

Consolation 3: You are wasting your toilet imagery needlessly. CSU will remain a fine educational choice for its choice customers. The rest of us will experience the far cheaper pleasure of CSU-lite. Same great taste, only half the teachers! Those things are just chalk full of calories and empty carbs.

Paranoia Rambling 4: What's up with voters? They're just out to get us! First the three unrelated law, then the brain worms and now this! What's next, they force us to mine petroleum asteroids? I'm allergic to space!

Soothing Distraction while the Men with the White Coats Warm Up the Van 4: Taxpayers aren't bad people, they're just confused by ballots. If I wanted you to have a bite of my sandwich, I might ask, "Hey, eat this. Right now." If that were on a ballot, it would be phrased thusly – "Shall the object referred to in article 64b (defining sandwich and non-sandwich entities) be not provided to the parties to be not determined in not not article 62a, where a vote of Yes or No means you disagree, no tag-backs?"

Confusion 5: Alright, but assuming that you're wrong somehow, won't society be adversely affected by fewer people with higher education?

Clarification 5: I am never wrong. Ever. But I'll humor you're delusions to the contrary. I will prove that an uneducated society is actually better, using those most marvelous of sea-fish, the dolphin.

The dolphin is widely regarded as the smartest of all fish, almost mammalian in its intelligence. A dolphin will spend most of its day floating, eating food pellets or whatever and checking out the she-dolphins (known as mermaids). And what has your education gotten you, other than debt and homework?

So take it from our frolicking fishy friends, taxpayers! College is for chum…ps!

Chum. Chumps. That was a stretch.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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