People Know Me

Sep 012005
Authors: Tyler Wittman

I have 114 friends here at Colorado State. I thought you should know. It appears as if I'm a pretty popular guy. "People know me," as Ron Burgundy so eloquently stated.

I also have a network of 5,388 people. Pretty much, if you don't know me, then you only know two things: Jack and squat. I also know where some of you live; I have your phone numbers and I even know where you're from. The only thing I don't have is your credit card numbers, but more on that in a moment.

It also appears as if every woman on this campus loves some movie called "The Notebook." I honestly couldn't tell you the first thing about that movie, but I could tell you more than you care to know about half the people on this campus.

You see, I don't really have 114 people on this campus that know me on a personal level and would take a bullet for me. I don't have 114 friends. I probably couldn't get half of the 5,388 people that I'm "connected" to through my "friends" to give me a high-five.

No, this is all just an illusion created by that wonderful site we've all heard so much about: the Facebook. It's a pathetic revelation that leaves me in shambles here typing this article. I thought I was cyber-cool. But then I found people who had 200-300 friends! My fantasy world of high-fives, fame and legacies on the CSU campus were put into check. I hit rock bottom. I called VH1 to see if they wanted to do a "Behind the Facebook" feature on me, but they were too busy trying to get some washed-up celebrity to take part in an on-screen obituary for their dead career. They call it "Celebreality." I call it crap.

Anyway, back to me. I needed answers quickly, so I logged on to and sifted through my "friends" to see who I could rely on. Then it dawned on me, I don't even know 10 of you people. Who are you? I shrugged it off at first, but then I found out that Donald Trump really isn't my friend (why don't you return my calls Trump?) and Bob Ross is dead! Frank Ricard isn't even a real person and Cam the Ram has 867 friends, so he's a big-shot and probably doesn't have time to listen to my problems.

I was left with nothing, nowhere to turn. I suddenly realized how evil the facebook really was and I decided to cancel my account. It's then that the monster that is reared its ugly head and threatened to eat my soul if I let the news get out. I quickly gave the facebook the old kick-in-the-groin and ran. I tried to cancel my account, but I had two friend requests awaiting confirmation and I couldn't help myself. I'm afraid that I'm hooked.

Despite my near-death experience, the scariest aspect of the Facebook has to be the amount of information some people on there are willing to give you. The only things they don't give you are their social security and pin numbers. People wonder why identity theft is so common while they set up a reference sheet for their identity on some Web site.

While I may not fully understand why some people care to let perfect strangers know everything about them, the Facebook is a good way to keep in touch with people after you graduate or just simply move. Is the Facebook just a stupid cyber-popularity exercise of no consequence? Yes, but it is fun. The verdict is still out as to whether or not it encourages actual social interaction, but at least it gives those of you who are too afraid to say "hi" to someone a chance to get to know him or her really well, just like a stalker.

Tyler Wittman is a senior speech communications major. His column runs every Friday in the Collegian.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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