Bring it on

Aug 312005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

David versus Goliath. Evolution versus Religion. Alien versus Predator. Godzilla versus MechaGodzilla. And, this Saturday, CU versus Predator.

All right, technically, it's CU versus CSU, but think about it – if we could arrange the field to instead be filled with dozens of invisible Predators with shoulder cannons, I think the real winners would be the audience. I was tempted to go with MechaGodzilla, but there would probably be some collateral damage. Then again, it is in Boulder.

You might be asking yourself, "Say, John, why do CU and CSU hate each other so very, very much? And how are you hearing what I am thinking? Get out of my head! Help! Help!" Good questions! And no. It's cozy in here.

It's a bit unfortunate that two institutions whose main purpose is academic enrichment can be so bitterly opposed every year over a football game. I mean, it's just football.

Kidding! No, our fanatic hatred of CU is entirely rational. So, to answer your question, please consult the following Timeline of Hate, which is entirely real in that it contains actual dates.

1870 – Colorado State University founded by peace-loving farmers.

1876 – Colorado University founded by retired, but still merciless, pirates.

1877 – The peace loving farmers send a basket of delicious fruits to the pirates, who, frustrated by their inability to peel the confusing oranges and bananas, burn a barn to the ground.

1902 – In retaliation for the barn burning, the farmers invade and capture Pirateville, which was renamed to a more appropriate name, which would be, "As dense and useless as the pirates themselves."

1902 – 1996 – Assorted pie-from-windowsill theft.

1997 – Drawing upon the black arts of magic and scientology, CU floods CSU.

As you can see, the game this Saturday is a culmination of hundreds of years of conflict. But, citizens, CSU needs you to do your part!

Athletes are powered by school spirit – they feed off of it. And students need football to produce spirit. It's one of nature's many delicate cycles. In conclusion, football players want to consume your spirit.

Of course, displaying school spirit can be dangerous. If you haven't heard, then fairly warned be ye – CU is a bit touchy about the green and gold. If you do get cornered by a group who's less than pleased that you are a mighty goat while they are a lowly plains-cow, try one of the following situation diffusing lines.

"C.U.? More like B.O.!"

"I don't want any trouble. Can't we just enjoy my team destroying your team like civilized people?"

Any of the above comments should show them exactly how serious the rivalry is.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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