Aug 242005
Authors: Johnathon Kastner

The other day I got an e-mail from one of my professors asking if I intended to drop his class, since I hadn't shown up for a couple of days. It was then that I first realized that summer was finally over.

Everytime I've made a mistake like this, I've added a rubber band to a ball I have going. Remember that extra planet scientists found recently? Yeah, my bad.

But as long as it's out there, orbiting ominously, waiting to return and destroy mankind, you might as well learn from the mistakes that forged its creation.

These morality tales are collected from me and other people who I know. I won't change names to protect the innocent because they still owe me money. So thanks for the material, guys, consider us even and yourselves ugly. Bwa ha.

Once upon a time, in the magical land called final exams week, there lived a horrible fellow named Jeremy. I say "horrible" because he was blaming me for eating his food, when in fact the instant it was in my mouth it was technically mine. Still, it doesn't matter who ate whose birthday cake, the point is, I deserved revenge.

It turns out that the fine line between "I am adjusting your alarm" as a prank and "I am destroying your academic future for no reason other than my own inattention to the academic calendar" is crossed during finals week. The moral of this story is; "Before an important day, always adjust your roommate's alarm clock. Or check your own in the event of roommates."

Our next tale is from my partying days, back before I turned 21 and the thrill went away. It was the first huge party I went to – where huge is defined as a party where people outnumbered square feet.

A party like that has "bust me" written all over it, and so I spent most of my time standing next to some bushes so that when the inevitable occurred, I would be able to bravely hide myself without warning anyone.

Naturally, after we were all kicked out, we returned to the car of the designated driver where the following conversation occurred.

Travis: "Where do you think the DD went?"

Me, still sober: "He can't have gone far. After all, we're sitting on his car."

Travis: "No, I think he left."

Me: "…This is his car. We're sitting on his car."

Travis: "Come on guys. Even though it's twenty below zero and the designated driver clearly hasn't left his car to rot on this unnamed street, let us stumble drunkenly into the night towards what I hope is the dorm."

Alright, he didn't say that, but that's what they did. And don't worry, that story has a moral too, which is, "A roving drunk gathers no rides," or, alternatively, "If you're drunk, shut up and listen to the sober person."

One last moral lesson – if you turn a spray bottle of compressed air dust cleaner upside-down, it freezes stuff. It's not really a moral in the classic sense, but it's way cooler.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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